I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.
JUSTICE LEAGUE #28
Look kids! Another barely peripheral Forever Evil tie in issue! What happened in THIS one that couldn’t have been achieved in a panel or two in the main series?
Let’s see…
So the newly reconstituted Cyborg goes to find Professor
Will Magnus because ‘He Needs A New Team. Magnus is, for some reason even
though the world is ending, still at the office. He’s got a team, but he won’t
utilize them. He’d rather wallow in his misfortune than step up to the plate.
See, he created a bunch of robots, using the term very loosely, governed by a
‘responsometer’ that animates and gives personality to base metals. Then he’s
flabbergasted when he can’t control them. So he ultimately removes the
responsometers because he doesn’t want to be responsible for what they do or
some crap. But he keeps them, of course, and after a fair-to-partly-rousing
speech from Cyborg, Magnus changes his mind and agrees to revive the Metal Men
to stop the Syndicate.
There is really no forward movement of any storylines in
this book whatsoever. Barely any reference to the outside world, no other
heroes but Cyborg show up…I think this is a fine story, but my ass if this
belongs in a Justice League book. Look, I get the marketing of it. DC probably
has plans to launch a Metal Men series soon and can save money on this as
backdoor first issue. But ugh, why did I have to buy it? I’m not a Metal Men
fan. They just never resonated with me. These new versions are pretty much the
same except maybe ‘The old personalities turned up to 11’ and they have the
ability to look generic like they did in the past, but their ‘neutral forms are
way more edgy and ‘real looking. And by ‘edgy’ I mean the fourth word out of
Gold’s mouth is ‘Bro’ and Iron knows that there’s pro wrestling on TV in a few
and wants to watch it. And Gold has
hair. This is the grand improvement?
The only part I thought was kind of cool involved a ‘mysterious
individual’ stealing Magnus’ original prototype responsometer and in a bit of
either jerkassery or corporate espionage tests it by dropping it into a vat of
toxic waste, thus birthing the New 52 version of Chemo. Now, I’m not a science
guy but Chemo’s demise consisted of all 6 Metal Men essentially diving inside
of him and thus, through some chemical reaction, he became inert. That seems a
little fast and loose with the scientific method. I would like Bill Nye to
weigh in on this.
ALSO! Was the Responsometer not keyed or programmed or
DESIGNED to work on metal alone? Apparently not. Apparently, according to the
science department of DC comics, I could take a responsometer, drop it into a
big pot of my old man’s chili and end up with a sentient bowl of deliciousness
that could fetch me more oyster crackers for itself if I ran out. Because you
know as well as I do, no matter how many you put in any given bowl, you ARE
going to run out before you get to the bottom. And you’re left with a quarter
inch worth of deliciousness with no crackers to enhance it. I think this need
would warrant the military’s budget.
My old man makes a pretty mean batch of
ham & bean soup as well as beef stew.
Relax, Cyborg, I’ve got your new team
right here.
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