COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XVIII (Uncanny Avengers #17)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

UNCANNY AVENGERS #17

Holy Crap. They actually did it. They let the world get destroyed. Ragnarok happened.

Hang on, let’s back up a little.

So this title sounded like a great idea. After the events of…uh, the Phoenix Five incident…the one where Cyclops got all nutso and killed Xavier and took over the world and what-have-you…the superheroes decided that an Avengers ‘Unity Squad’ was needed. In order to show that mutants and humans could work together for common goals, yadda yadda. So they put Havok in charge but with Captain America also on the team. And the rest a pretty even mix between superhuman and mutant heroes. 

Now you try to lead a team and be confident in your choices when the greatest Avengers team leader and field tactician is taking orders from you. 

So it didn’t work out so well. There was infighting, there was squabbling and the ‘Avengers Unity Squad’ did not set a very good example to the world.

Then it got worse.

Apocalypse’s twin children…who…he had with…Archangel? I don’t know. Anyway they’re both pretty damn powerful and have been raised by Kang in the future, who they hate, or something. Anyway, these two cats show up and start causing trouble. They steal an enchanted axe that Thor made and use it to kill a Celestial. I know, right? Those suckers are bad news. THEN they raise from the dead The Sentry, The Grim Reaper, Daken and Banshee, all who have some familial relationship to someone on the team. Then they capture the Scarlet Witch and try to get her to rapture all the mutants off of earth to be saved from the coming hell. She betrays them, they STILL do it and they kill her! So all the mutants are on a great big ship ready to leave the galaxy and the Celestial Executioner shows up to destroy earth for its people being responsible for killing one of his brethren. And that’s where we begin.

So yeah, sh**’s pretty bad on earth right now, huh? Remender has really set up and knocked down the dominoes more effectively than in most crossover/ events of the recent past. And this is ONE BOOK. Take a lesson! Civil War didn’t get this bad. Secret Invasion didn’t get this bad. 

We’ve got several fronts happening in this last ditch effort to stop their own destruction: Iron Man and the big brains have enlisted Dr. Doom and his force field machine to try to delay the Celestial Executioner from setting foot on earth (Come on! Read the book! That’s a good joke!). They need Hulk to hold the machine together and are big jerks to him to keep him angry. I think ‘Shut Up, Doom.’ Is the perfect intelligence and communication level for the Hulk. Well, this plan works for about a second and then the machine blows up and the Celestial really steps in it (come ON!).

Meanwhile, the Wasp is fighting the Reaper who is the last of the reanimated corpses. She’s trying to shut down the Tachyon Dam which keeps Immortus and his people from bringing help.  He’s trying to get her to kill him so she gives up part of herself and becomes less of a hero. Blah blah, heard it before. Then Cap shows up and jumps in the middle, Jan gets back to the Dam and then Reaper KILLS CAP. For real!

Then we have Thor fighting the last of the twins, trying to get the ax. He’s already had his arm shriveled but he still fights on. He gets the axe and confronts the celestial, but the twin (Eimin? Cumin? I don’t even know anymore) gets the drop on him and delays him enough for the Celestial to put his foot down (nothing? Sigh) and then the EARTH. BLOWS. UP. Thor uses his hammer to escape to Asgard where Odin is waiting to tell him that the humans brought this on themselves with their fightin’ ways and that he knew all along it would come to this. 

And that’s it. Wow. This is POWERFUL stuff.  Of course it all gets put back soon, but still. This is great event storytelling the way it should be. Everyone from iron Fist to Dr. Doom has lines. There’s a whole lotta carnage. And there’s a message. Again: take a note, Marvel.

Of course, at this point you should probably wait for the trade if you haven’t been reading all along, but do it. It’ll be worth it.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XVII (Iron Man Annual #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

IRON MAN ANNUAL #1

The House of Ideas has REALLY done it this time. The boldness in their marketing synergy/strategy to get me to spend more money has really gone off the deep end here with this.

So I start reading this comic and have no idea what's going on. There's (thankfully) a recap on the first page telling me something about an Iron Man story called 'Fatal Frontier'. Now, admittedly I read a crap-ton of comics each month and it's next to impossible to keep up with all the story lines (especially when there's no recap page-looking at you DC!). And I may or may not have tuned out during the whole adventure in space/ god killer storyline recently so it's entirely possible that my confusion is through only fault of my own. But they are talking about some Russian robot on the moon and something called 'moon mercury' and I'm starting to think strange things are afoot at the Circle K. So I finish the book and head for my smartphone (which had not accompanied me to the can in this instance) and punch it into Google....

You wanna know why this story seemed confusing? It's because I hadn't READ the damn thing yet. You know why??? Because it's a digital comic. So Marvel, geniuses they are publish the wrap-up story to their digital, online only story, in a paper Annual and tell readers 'want to know what's happening? Go online or buy the collected volume in May!!!’ 

Mother F***ers! 

I think that one of your inalienable rights as a comic book reader is that if you follow a series and pick up the annual, the annual will feed into and off of the current storyline. Nope!! Not here! The first story out of the gate is something a scant few are even going to know about. Ugh!! Come ON, Marvel! That's like a bait and switch move for your core audience. Not cool, Marvel. Not cool.

The rest of the short stories in this 4 color sham are pretty self-explanatory. There are three stories here. The second one features Arno (Stark. You know. The secret, actual birth son of Howard & Maria Stark, who's been living in an iron lung his whole life? No? Well, that part I remember) negotiating with some space pirates whom he enlists to the cause when the need for a team to man the space station that’s in geosynchronous orbit over the former Mandarin City that Tony has taken over and is rebuilding as 'Troy, City of the Future' arises. Breathe. It's cute and shows a little more of Arno's character as he negotiates. But it also sets the stage for a future confrontation between brothers as Arno is told about the wonders of Extremis and how it could change his life. Somehow, we are expected to believe, Arno, who is connected to all of Tony's systems and databases, doesn't know about Extremis. EVERONE knows what Extremis is.

The third story actually goes into the background of a character we just met in the last issue of the regular series. SHOCKING! An Annual doing what an annual is supposed to be doing?!?!? We see how Tony's PR guy, Marc Kumar, came on the scene by letting one of his former clients puke all over Pepper Potts. In a bit of a whirlwind romance, he asks Pepper to marry him while she asks him to come to work for her. Apparently they are still dating.

The score card is thus: 2 of the 3 stories in this book matter to something you've read. The biggest, lead-in story? Is just an attempt to send you scurrying to your computer to buy the digital story. 'Nuff said.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XVI (Batman & Two Face #28)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

BATMAN & TWO FACE #28

First off SPOILERS! You should really know to expect them from any kind of review blog, especially one as haphazardly thrown together as this one. I mean, hell, some of this stuff I’m asked to read and talk about I could be giving out a spoiler and have no idea I’m doing so. Basically you take your spoiler knowledge in your own hands when you click on one of these diatribes, but ESPECIALLY today. No BS. REAL SPOILERS below!

I used to mostly like this book. Back when it was ‘Batman & Robin’. Even immediately after ***SPOILER*** Robin’s Death ***SPOILER*** when they decided to make it ‘Batman & ___’ and include a rotating cast of ‘sidekicks’. But lately I have been kinda bored. Two Face is ***SPOILER***Not my favorite Bat-villain***SPOILER*** and having to endure, what, 4 issues of it? It’s just trying. Not that they are bad stories, I just don’t get excited about them. There’s even a couple of feisty Irish redheads in this story and its not turning my crank. I don’t know.

So let me see if I have any clue what’s been going on in this book. The one redhead is part of an Irish mob family that were responsible for killing Two-Face’s wife and sending him over the edge into being all insane. Now for some reason she’s back around, Two Face was gunning for her, he scarred her face a little bit in retribution, and she and her henchmen captured Harvey and were set to kill him on live TV. Batman captured McKillen and figured out where she was holding him and ***SPOILER*** burst in just before they could really hurt Two Face. But in the saving and the ensuing conversation we find out ***SPOILER*** Two-Face has known batman’s secret identity FOR YEARS!***SPOILER*** Batman is momentarily taken aback then he and Jim Gordon (even after Two Face shoots him) still try the ‘you were the best of us, the good man I knew is still in there’ crap on Harvey.  Dent’s got Gordon cornered and wounded, he flips the coin and ***SPOILER***it lands on its SIDE!***SPOILER*** This harkens back to Batman’s version of the ‘you’re still a good man’ speech where he says there’s a third side to the coin, the edge, where the two sides come together, blah blah blah. Dent almost shoots Gordon in the head three times, then is interrupted by Batman and escapes. Batman can’t pursue him because Gordon’s bleeding out. We find Two Face alone in a room with his dead wife’s picture and a gun. He plays Russian Roulette with himself and ***SPOILER***Apparently loses.***SPOILER***  So we are left to believe that Two Face has killed himself. For Realz.

What?? ***SPOILER***He’s probably not dead, it’s a comic book.***SPOILER*** And it was such a lame way of going out, was he really THAT moved by what his other two former musketeers said to him that his best choice was to remove himself from the equation? Especially with the object of his rage still out there? That really seems out of character, even for someone with split personality disorder. I’m calling BS and ***SPOILER***he’s back by the end of the year.***SPOILER***

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XV (JL #28)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

JUSTICE LEAGUE #28

Look kids! Another barely peripheral Forever Evil tie in issue! What happened in THIS one that couldn’t have been achieved in a panel or two in the main series?

Let’s see…

So the newly reconstituted Cyborg goes to find Professor Will Magnus because ‘He Needs A New Team. Magnus is, for some reason even though the world is ending, still at the office. He’s got a team, but he won’t utilize them. He’d rather wallow in his misfortune than step up to the plate. See, he created a bunch of robots, using the term very loosely, governed by a ‘responsometer’ that animates and gives personality to base metals. Then he’s flabbergasted when he can’t control them. So he ultimately removes the responsometers because he doesn’t want to be responsible for what they do or some crap. But he keeps them, of course, and after a fair-to-partly-rousing speech from Cyborg, Magnus changes his mind and agrees to revive the Metal Men to stop the Syndicate.

There is really no forward movement of any storylines in this book whatsoever. Barely any reference to the outside world, no other heroes but Cyborg show up…I think this is a fine story, but my ass if this belongs in a Justice League book. Look, I get the marketing of it. DC probably has plans to launch a Metal Men series soon and can save money on this as backdoor first issue. But ugh, why did I have to buy it? I’m not a Metal Men fan. They just never resonated with me. These new versions are pretty much the same except maybe ‘The old personalities turned up to 11’ and they have the ability to look generic like they did in the past, but their ‘neutral forms are way more edgy and ‘real looking. And by ‘edgy’ I mean the fourth word out of Gold’s mouth is ‘Bro’ and Iron knows that there’s pro wrestling on TV in a few and wants to watch it.  And Gold has hair. This is the grand improvement?

The only part I thought was kind of cool involved a ‘mysterious individual’ stealing Magnus’ original prototype responsometer and in a bit of either jerkassery or corporate espionage tests it by dropping it into a vat of toxic waste, thus birthing the New 52 version of Chemo. Now, I’m not a science guy but Chemo’s demise consisted of all 6 Metal Men essentially diving inside of him and thus, through some chemical reaction, he became inert. That seems a little fast and loose with the scientific method. I would like Bill Nye to weigh in on this.

ALSO! Was the Responsometer not keyed or programmed or DESIGNED to work on metal alone? Apparently not. Apparently, according to the science department of DC comics, I could take a responsometer, drop it into a big pot of my old man’s chili and end up with a sentient bowl of deliciousness that could fetch me more oyster crackers for itself if I ran out. Because you know as well as I do, no matter how many you put in any given bowl, you ARE going to run out before you get to the bottom. And you’re left with a quarter inch worth of deliciousness with no crackers to enhance it. I think this need would warrant the military’s budget. 

My old man makes a pretty mean batch of ham & bean soup as well as beef stew. 

Relax, Cyborg, I’ve got your new team right here.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XIV (GOTG #11)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY #11

Yes, I know this technically came out like three weeks ago. But who am I if I’m not capitalizing on the latest, hottest thing, huh?

Answer: Nobody, that’s who.

Had you told me a couple years ago that Guardians of the Galaxy (heretofore abbreviated as GOTG because my fingers hurt) would be the comic property everyone is buzzing about and that’s mostly because of the big budget Hollywood movie adaptation coming out soon featuring the slacker from Parks & Recreation, the blue chick from Avatar, some wrestler, John C. Reilly and maybe or maybe not Vin Diesel dressed up like a tree, I would have been all ‘who the hell are you?’ (I probably didn’t know you two years ago) and then I would have been like ‘Why didn’t you just say ‘Zoe Saldana’, you think I don’t know who Zoe Saldana is by name?’ then I’d have said ‘What wrestler? The Honky Tonk Man?’ At which point you would have given up, exasperated, and walked away.

What was I talking about?

Oh, right! This movie looks awesome! As most do from the trailer! But I think, regardless, its gonna make Chris Pratt a star. And I’m still giggling at John C. Reilly as a Nova Corps big shot. Now, what else do I know about this property? Next to nothing!

I am not a big fan of space odyssey comics. Just never have been. Can’t get into them.  I followed most of that last Thanos crossover because it took over all my Avengers books. But I’ve never been into the Silver Surfer, etc. This issue has not yet changed my mind. It’s got the requisite ‘bunch of space dudes standing around talking about some major universe shattering whatsit’ that, as you can see, I have lots of respect for. But it’s also got Bendis, of whom I am a card carrying fanboy/ apologist. He’s in traditional form, providing snappy dialogue which gives me, the new reader, a convenient, bandwagon jumping glimpse at who all these characters are. And I admit, it’s kinda fun. 

I could give two craps less about the Trial of Jean Grey subplot/ crossover that even the characters themselves don’t quite get the logic behind. See, for some reason the original 60’s X-Men have been plucked out of time to the present. And the whosawhatsis empire will take it upon themselves to try and punish ANY Jean Grey from ANY time, regardless of actual culpability for the sins of the OG JG. Whatever. Trans-universal politics is not my area of study.

But like I said, this book is fun and I’ll probably give it another look after this crossover business is done. And hey, it’s got Gamora and Angela, who are extra boobalicious and skimpily dressed.  That’s worth the price of admission for me. 

Plus any chance to turn the screw on Todd McFarlane and use his character in a mainstream MARVEL book gets the thumbs up from me.  F*** that guy. He and I go way back. But that’s a story for another day.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XIII (X Files #9)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

THE X-FILES: SEASON 10 #9

I have admittedly been a little slacktastic the last couple days. It’s been a helluva week. BUT, constant reader, I had hotel pizza for lunch today (much obliged to the Mayor) and I should in a position to crank out a few right in a row here.

First off, full disclosure: I LOVE THE X-FILES. Love it. Like, unhealthy relationship stalker-love. And I have for over twenty years (Jesus Christ, this show premiered in 1993? The majority of you whippersnappers reading this should probably get offa my lawn). I mean, I’ve had television obsessions since (LOST, Alias, Heroes) but not a one of them can hold a candle to my XF love. People, I framed a TV Guide cover with the whole cast on it. A TV GUIDE COVER. I needed an intervention and I never got one. Just look at this shelf. I joined the Mutual UFO Network. If the X-Files had bushes I was crouching in them. If it had trash I was going through it.  There probably should have been a restraining order.

That being said, I am an expert witness to rate this book. As a whole, this series has been an incredibly fun ride. They are calling it ‘Season 10’ and its *mostly* keeping with the established continuity, even the movies. So of course that gives me a boner in itself. But to send me right over the edge the storyline has an unseen power/force/ antagonist revisiting old XF cases and targeting people related to them. So far we’ve seen The Lone Gunmen, Skinner, Cancer Man, Doggett, Reyes and The Flukeman (men!!!). It’s like being a kid in a candy store for fans of the show, like myself.

And really, readers, If you haven’t watched the series in its entirety, from start to finish, what are you waiting for? Between the Netflix and the Internets, there’s no reason you can’t pull it off in a month or two. It was GROUNDBREAKING television and is still being aped to this day! You owe it to yourself to, at the suggestion of some dope reviewing comics in the bathroom, commit 200+ hours of your life to this show. You will thank me when you’re done!

This specific issue isn’t quite as knock-down drag-out awesome as the first 8, but the analogy from my previous review of ‘SEX’ applies here. So that means it’s still pretty freakin’ cool. I thought it was a throwback to the episode ‘War of the Coprophages’ (the one with the cockroaches) but I can’t seem to see how, expect for the appearance of said cockroaches. You’d think they would connect the two somehow. That episode was pretty (simultaneously) awesome and gross and, I would think, fair game for a revisit. At least to reconnect Mulder & Dr. Bambi. Alas, it instead introduces something called ‘The Chittering God’ and insinuates that it feeds on despair and pain and is after Scully. The immediate threat of the small town half-crazy zealot is neutralized and what appears to be a ‘monster of the week’ episode homage is closed. OR. SO. WE. THINK!!!!

The characters and the world they inhabit is wonderfully slavishly reverent to what came before. The art is strong and the character likenesses are often beyond spot-on. You really can’t go wrong with this book. Naturally, if you are even a passing fan of the show you’ll get infinitely more out of it. But I can gladly say this series washes my mouth clear of the less-than-stellar Topps X-Files books of yore (that, yes, I also bought. I have a problem.).

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XII (Winter Soldier #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

THE WINTER SOLDIER: THE BITTER MARCH #1

In what appears to be an attempt at marketing synergy, Marvel cancelled the previously running Winter Soldier ongoing series, where only a few people knew he was still alive, he did a lot of espionage stuff and slept with Black Widow all the time, and replaced it with this, what appears to be a mini series set in 1966. Back when he was still the badass, mystery shrouded Cold War assassin. This is, I’m sure, so the movie going public, sent rushing to their local comic book store by Captain America 2, will have something familiar to buy. It still grinds my gears when marketing determines storytelling but this book isn’t bad.

I dig Bucky. I really do. It was his return at the skilled hands of Ed Brubaker that got me reading Captain America comics in the first place. And I’ve been gleefully along for the ride (for the most part) ever since. It wasn’t that long ago that Bucky was on the short list of dead comics characters that wouldn’t come back. That list has been shot to hell in the intervening years, but no other return has been done quite as well as Bucky’s. And I think I’m going to like revisiting the ‘Winter Soldier’ years Bucky in this series (or series of series?) Mostly because it’s just so kitschy and Bucky is such a badass.

The story is pretty standard. Couple o’ liberated Nazi scientists are rumored to have completed a world-destabilizing formula that can provide unlimited amounts of Gold, Uranium, Adamantium, etc. And these goose-steppers have found themselves captured by HYDRA. Nick Fury and a brash, cocky SHIELD agent I’ve never heard of before are tasked with bringing them out.  Agent Shen is, of course, impulsive and cocky and brash and gets their mission all cocked up. Then, as they are trying to escape with the Nazis via the roof, in swoops The Winter Soldier and snatches them away. An aerial chase ensues and we end the issue with Shen and the prisoners crashed in the middle of nowhere, Fury missing and TWS closing in on them. 

Two things I really love about this book: How awesome classic Nick Fury is and how scary TWS is. Fury’s been absent from recent continuity for awhile now, and I MISS HIM. His gruff, take no guff demeanor is on full display here and it is refreshing. Conversely, although we got to see Winter Soldier flashbacks before, this, at least of what I’ve read, is the first series based entirely in The Cold War, when he was a hushed whisper in intelligence circles and an adult boogeyman to be reckoned with.

So if your non-comics reading roommate or significant other or family member lets you drag them to the movie, you are safe giving them this comic for more reading pleasure. And that, friends, is how Marvel turned me into a shill for their synergy. I’m so disappointed in myself.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XI (JLA 12 & Arkham War 5)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

JLA #12 & ARKHAM WAR #5

And the Forever Evil party train rolls on. 

I was just gonna blab about the JLA book since it came out this week, but then I read the Arkham War book from a couple weeks ago and had to include it.

DC. What the hell? This is SUCH lazy storytelling!! I can’t take much more of this artificially extended story BS! Both of these storylines could have been wrapped up ISSUES ago. I wish someone would tell me why this story and its associated tie ins have to last so long, if the reason is ACTUALLY something other than ‘because the fanboys will buy it.

In JLA we have Martian Manhunter & Stargirl, the only two heroes (not counting Batman and Catwoman) to not be stuck inside Firestorm’s pants (or something) are still trying to get cross country to check on Stargirl’s parents when they are jumped by Despero. Now I was around when they created Despero back in the Bwah Ha Ha days and he was pretty freakin’ scary and formidable. Here he’s tossed in merely as an obstacle for these two? There is lots of fighting and way too much teen angst from Stargirl about how she’s psyching herself up to fight back against Despero while simultaneously reliving her first big villain battle (with Shadow Thief) which may or may not have gotten her brother killed. I don’t know. I cared three issues ago. So MM gets killed (right) and as he dies he is inspired because he knows Stargirl made it to Firestorm’s pants and is gonna save everyone blah blah blah. Oh, and I’m gonna put my money on Martian Manhunter not really being dead. Surprise.

But what REALLY grinds my gears is this Arkham War rag. It seemed like a sensible premise at the start. Arkham’s loonies are given Gotham to play with when the Syndicate takes over and Bane doesn’t like that so he fights back. Not bad, right? I’m all for Gotham without Batman and what madness ensues, but this…this just got dumb. So the inmates are able to find a bunch of dead Court of Owls Talon warriors, revive them and send them after Bane’s forces. OK sure. Because Bane’s a badass and has a Talon friend, he is able to take them all out. Not super realistic, but ok. It’s the last bit that pisses me off.

There are basically two ways to defeat Bane in the comics. You either cut the remarkably exposed tubes supplying the Venom that makes him superstring, or you overcome your own moral dilemma and take some Venom yourself to even the playing field. So what does Scarecrow (the de facto leader of the inmates) do? He gases ALL his colleagues with Venom. So now we’ve got Venomed out versions of everyone from Poison ivy to Mr. Freeze and Mad Hatter that are gonna TURN THE TIDE!!!

Ooh! Monsters! Ooh! My favorite villains crossed with my other favorite villain. This is BARELY a step up from turning the whole Justice League into apes. I don’t even care who wins anymore. And, you know, neither should you. Because nobody’s gonna. 6 months from now when this crossover finally concludes. The Syndicate is gonna happen to second glance at Gotham and be all ‘What the F are you guys doing?’ smack them all around and make them tow the line and give up their silly, pointless war that I just bought 12 issues of a limited series to find out about. 

I guess that’s shame on me.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode X (Varney The Vampire #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

VARNEY THE VAMPIRE #1

I have now read the greatest line in a comic book TO DATE. Forget your ‘Face it Tiger You Just Hit The Jackpot’ and your ‘With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility’.  Hack, lazy writing. But I’ll get back to that.

When I was handed a super secret, advance digital copy of the first comic to come out from Mark Waid’s Thrillbent label I had to look twice. Jim Varney, The Vampire? Ernest P. Worrell as an undead bloodsucker?? TAKE MY MONEY!

Then I looked again and realized that wasn’t the case. But still. Jim Varney The Vampire. That is GOLD. Copyright Chad Wise 2014.

As anyone who read my first review could tell, I have a thing for horror/ comedy books. I love Hack/Slash…love Hellboy…and that’s where the well mostly runs dry. I don’t read The Goon, but mostly because he’s drawn to look like my Uncle Bud (on accident I’m sure) and I can’t get past that BUT THE POINT IS: There are scant few horror/ comedy books on the stands these days. And varney the Vampire is a WELCOME addition.

What you have here is THE O.G. Vampire (do the kids still say that? O.G.?) , the guy that Bram Stoker supposedly co-opted for Dracula who is somehow still undead and kicking in present day. What you ALSO have here is the vampire’s modern day descendent who happens to be a Hollywood screenwriter of less than dubious credit (Zombie Cheerleaders 1-3). The vampire lures Simon (Gruber is his last name and isn’t that Jeremy Irons’ character from Die Hard With A Vengeance?) to his ancestral mansion under the ruse of an inheritance when in actuality he wants to team up to get the REAL story out to the world and reclaim the vampire’s legacy.

Now, what’s unique about this is the vampire himself. This is not a sparkly teen heartthrob vampire with the cheekbones of Keira Knightley. This is not the proper vampires of Anne Rice. This isn’t even the badass vampires of Blade or From Dusk Til Dawn. No, imagine Danny DeVito at his crustiest, vilest, grizzledest and simultaneously sharp-wittedest. Now bump him up to about 70 years old (when he became a vampire) and since he didn’t have teeth when he turned, he has to use fake fangs and you’ve got the title character.

Just a sleazy old man who happens to be the original vampire. And his loser Great(?) Great(?) Nephew with a goal to achieve that will no doubt involve lots of sexual innuendo (high five to the writer for getting a Kirk Cameron reference on the same page as the words ‘Christian Nymphomaniac’), comedy enough for the masses and the small portion of the masses that think they need highbrow humor in their horror/ comedy books.

This is EASILY one of the most unique concepts I’ve read or heard of. I enjoyed it immensely and will definitely buy the printed issue when it comes out. I think you’ll dig it as well. There’s a kickstarter to get the project made and G-Mart is hosting a launch party for it THIS SATURDAY the 15^th.  Then they are releasing the issue online as well (I believe). Find a way to check it out. 

And that greatest line? Simon’s vampire patriarch, as he’s trying to convince Simon to work with him by pointing out their similarities:

“We’re two nuts in a sac---Destiny demands a Tea Bag!”

Genius.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode IX (She-Hulk #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

SHE-HULK #1

I have to apologize for no review yesterday. Too much chocolate, too much caffeine meant I wasn’t able to ‘go into the office’. I had a chicken salad sandwich from Wal-Mart for lunch today, so that shouldn’t be a problem anymore

So we’ve got a new #1 for the Jade Giantess and my response is…so what? Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of the character. I read the whole Dan Slott/ Peter David run and enjoyed it immensely (as evidenced in the below photograph of my shelf- also featuring a bikini Savage She Hulk and helmetless 70’s Tony Stark). My favorite part of this series? Can you guess? If not, you haven’t been regularly reading this column. It was all the super boot knockin’ she got up to. Iron Man, Hercules, Man-Wolf, Starfox, Juggernaut (sort of), etc. It was refreshing & entertaining to see a single superheroine take control of her sexuality and indeed not be ashamed of her sexual desires, but embrace them. See, critics, I can have a mature, coherent thought about comic book sex! It remains to be seen whether this series will also illustrate that part of her life so freely, but they do acknowledge her past relationship with Tony Stark, so that’s a good start.

But this issue…ehh. Meh. 

I mean, it’s a solid comic, a solid story which quickly and concisely establishes Jennifer Walters’ personality & ethics and gives her a strong, clear voice. We see that in her current position at a law firm that she was only hired to bring in high profile superhero cases, which she has not. So she quits before she is fired. On her way out she breaks a conference table in a move that couldn’t be more telegraphed if it was developed by Samuel Morse. Drinking in a bar later she’s drawn into a case against Tony Stark for alleged misappropriation of technology which, after negotiating Stark’s legal hurdles, she eventually wraps up by confronting Tony and getting him to do the right thing. He does and her client pays her a significant fee, enough to put out her own shingle and start her own law office.

I do not like the art on this. Maybe it’s just Pulido but this feels like X-Statix which bugged the crap out of me too. I suppose it’s realistic enough, but I’m just not a fan of that Mike Allred style. It keeps me from getting into the story.

There was just no….oomph. Like nothing about this issue got me excited or looking forward to the next issue. I guess I need a little more sizzle. She Hulk did end up with her clothing in tatters at one point so that was nice. But there were really no stakes here. Even the client who is the widow of a lame super villain and her two annoying kids who you were SUPPOSED to be rooting for, just annoyed me. 

So I’m giving this one two big green thumbs down.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode VIII (GL 28/ RL 28)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

GREEN LANTERN 28/ RED LANTERNS 28

And the latest in the innovations brought to the comics page by the New 52 is….a FLIPBOOK! So you get to read two reviews for the price of one and I get to try to figure out why the hell they bothered in the first place.

So the storylines in Green Lantern and Red Lanterns happen to be sort of dovetailing and to take advantage of that and to introduce a SHOCKING new Red Lantern, DC took both books and slapped them together into one. I am trying to understand here. What is this achieving? Besides annoying all the OCD collectors who have to buy two identical books to have full runs of both titles instead of two different ones like normal? The cover price is still the same. Both stories are 20 pages long. It’s not like the story would have been lost if they were two separate books in the same week, or even a week apart. It’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma baked into a crispy flour tortilla of a conundrum.

Also: I don’t read the book, or even any Superman titles, but nobody knows who Supergirl is in the New 52? Really? That’s a thing? I mean Hal Jordan is a member of the Justice League for frank’s sake. And a Galactic Police Officer. You’d think he MIGHT know there’s a 2^nd Kryptonian running around loose. If someone can enlighten me to this situation, please do. Or maybe I’ll go on Wikipedia. Whatever.

So regardless of the in-universe plausibility of the above and the marketing minds behind the layout, there’s some nice stuff happening here. I’ve always liked the Guy Gardner/ Ice (non) relationship. Even in the old Bwah-ha-ha days it felt really genuine, kind of sad and totally relatable. New 52-wise is no exception. He sought her out last issue to try to make amends (very vague about their New 52 past, but the mentioned beats seem very similar) and continues into this one. After he’s proved himself as being able to *mostly* control his anger, she gives him a speech I myself and I’m sure most of the hopelessly looking for love comic fans in the world have heard: “You don’t get to decide whether we’re going to be together—not alone. That’s a decision we would both have to make.” As if THAT’S not heart (that’s been replaced with rage blood) wrenching enough, she goes on to do the WORST thing possible to a guy—give him hope. “This isn’t never. It’s just not right now.” Ugh. Why Gardner didn’t turn into a Blue Lantern of Hope right then and there I don’t know. Now he’s gonna pine for her. And never move on. Blargh.

Anyway, the hapless band of Reds heads back to Ysmault where, they are told, some Greens are sniffing around. Hal and a couple of his boys have brought Red Lantern Supergirl there after she was discovered raging through a random space sector by a couple of other Lanterns. In an attempt to figure out what the hell she was, they had brought her back to Mogo which was a no go. So now Hal has taken her to Red Lantern homeworld to yell at Guy for making new Reds. Once they realize Supergirl is a bigger issue than their own personal business they work together to get her into the lake of blood so she can get some of herself back. While she’s in the lake, Hal and Guy have some man to man talking about how Guy actually fits in with the Reds and that Hal sending him there wasn’t a bad thing. Hal lets the Reds continue to patrol Sector 2814 but leaves Simon Baz on earth to keep the peace there. They have a very mature conversation without any flying off the handle or yelling, which is significant character growth for the both of them lately. So this issue kinda reestablishes their working relationship until Supergirl pops out of the lake and they realize, holy crap, we may have put a crazy rage ring on one of Superman’s family members. Guy makes an ‘I’m screwed’ face and that’s the issue. Along the way we see Atrocitus and his new band of Reds confront and screw with Bleez and Rankorr some and are reminded that Atrocitus made and released 9 more rings before Guy kicked him out so that after Supergirl, there still may be 8 other new Reds in the universe they have to deal with.

This book, while unnecessarily packaged, does a great job of setting status quos and teasing future trouble to come, which, when you get right down to it, that’s what you want a comic (or two) to deliver. Along with a sweet Motorhead haircut and mustache combo on your lead. 

Mission. Accomplished.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode VII (Detective #28)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

DETECTIVE COMICS #28

Gothtopia doesn’t work for me. I even went back and re-read the first part of the crossover that was so unceremoniously crammed into the fabricated-milestone money-grab that was last issue. But no, doesn’t work.

Not that it’s not a good story. It’s a fine story. I thought that the reveal in this issue of Scarecrow’s motivations was creative. The idea that he has to gas people into super-ultra-contentment in order to get the most out of his ongoing fear experiments is a nice twist for this essentially one-trick pony. And I do like the New 52 Scarecrow way more than the old one. He should have some stones and not just be a frail little chemist like he was portrayed in the past. Incorporating all the other ‘Doctor’ villains adds a level of danger too.

No, what I don’t like about this storyline (apart from it involving yet more superfluous peripheral books), is that contentment or ‘heart’s desire’ (essentially ‘For The Man Who Has Everything’) doesn’t work for Batman. On a FUNDAMENTAL level.

Batman’s entire existence is based on tragedy and the prevention of additional tragedies. From the basis of his mission down to his choice of costume, if Batman gets what he wants, there’s no more need for a Batman. And this storyline touches on that briefly in the previous issue, when he’s getting some fresh air in the Wayne Gardens and is rethinking his purpose (right before the deus ex machina of a ‘missed Poison Ivy thorn in his cowl’ snaps him out of it. Even the costumes look ridiculous in this ‘Gothtopia’. A white Batman costume? That’s your brightly colored outfit? 

So Batman spends this issue searching Arkham for evidence of who’s behind the scam and why. He’s Batman so he of course built in a backdoor for himself when he was testing out the new Arkham computer system a few issues ago. Also because he’s Batman his gloves are lined with computer technology and he can synthesize an antidote for the whole shebang from a taste of Poison Ivy’s mouth.

But, of course, Scarecrow shows up at the end with all of Batman’s allies now under his spell (and wearing Scarecrow masks over their costumes for some unknown reason (because it looks cool? I don’t know).

I wouldn’t say I’ve got ‘Event Fatigue’, exactly. Just ‘Overwrought Event Fatigue’. And a slight case of the Boogie Woogie Flu.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode VI (Mighty Avengers #6)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

MIGHTY AVENGERS #6

And with that, he’s on to The House of Ideas.

Do we need another Avengers title? I guess the big shots think so. I think the franchise is getting top heavy, but what do I know? I like this book. I like the fact that it’s very street level. I’m anxious to see how, when they get into actual practice, how the ‘Avengers Free Clinic’ model works out. It’s not technically ‘Avengers For Hire’ but its close. 

So what’s going on in this issue? I’ll get to that. Let me talk about LAST issue for a sec. For some reason no one’s really questioning why Spider Man has become a complete megalomaniacal dickhead over the last several months. Nor why or how he’s got A, henchmen, or B, big ass spider robots, or better yet, C, why he wants to be the leader so bad and is using A & B to achieve these goals. What? Jessica Jones was a DETECTIVE for f***’s sake! They call in She-Hulk, who’s a lawyer, and they STILL don’t look past the ‘Atlas Shrugged’ explanation? No, not buying it. 

Now this issue I liked. It’s moving in day at Luke Cage and Jessica’s new apartment, so by its nature there’s a lot of ‘examining the past’ and minimal action, very low key and character driven. I really loved the interaction between Luke Cage and The Blue Marvel (a character I admittedly know next to nothing about). Especially their conversation (after alternately carrying around a refrigerator for half the issue) about their shared pasts and opinions on the other man’s past choices. What I’ve missed over the years of Bendis’ love affair for Cage and subsequent writers picking up the baton, was a real delving into Cage’s background and sins of the past. Looks like we’re getting that here and I’m happy about it.

There also appears to be some interconnectivity with a villain by the name of Gideon Mace, who Cage used to know and who also killed the White Tiger’s parents. So yeah, lots of good character development and seed-planting along with some great jabs at Cage’s old costume (“Is this a whole box of tiaras?”).

Let me just address the elephant in the room: Yes, this is clearly ‘Black Avengers’. With the exception of White Tiger, Iron Fist, Jessica Jones (not really a member) and She Hulk (new member?) everyone else is African American. Even the secret mystery character currently wearing the Ronin costume is really a black hero.  Do I have a problem with it? Of course not. Do I think Marvel needs to make the most of this unique opportunity and team they’ve put together to attract some more readers of an ethnic persuasion? Abso-freaking-lutely! I started getting the title because I’m a completist and a sucker. It’s grown on me. But there are kids who NEED heroes in their lives who look like them, who could be them, who redeemed themselves from the bad choices they made. This is why Spider Man resonated so strongly in the 60’s. He WAS the reader. Spread the word!

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode V (Forever Evil #5)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

FOREVER EVIL #5

More like ‘FOREVER TO FINISH’, am I right?!?!?

Sigh. They can’t all be winners.

The same can be said for great big company-wide events. Now, full disclosure, I LOVE event comics. Love them.  The only one in recent memory I didn’t lose my mind and collect all the peripheral titles on was Flashpoint. I have a framed poster of Marvel’s Civil War over my bed. I love them. I’m a sucker. There’s one of me born every minute. Guys like me are the reason they still put them out. Hate me. I’m fine with it. I liked the 'Daredevil' movie.

But this, this ‘Forever Evil’, this is testing my limits. Not that it’s a bad series, don’t get me wrong. I think the beats are strong and the story keeps me interested and they have truly crafted a Multiverse-Spanning Epic. But its also a 7-Month-Spanning Epic. And that’s what’s got me irritated tonight.

That and I think the cat has started pooping in the shower, but I don’t want to pull the curtain back to confirm.

Here’s my problem with how this story is playing out: Yes, I appreciate not having to buy a ton of crossovers that only peripherally have anything to do with the main story *cough*TeenTitans*cough*. Yes, I like that there’s some pretty good connectivity happening over the three Justice League titles to support the main story. But I am a SERIOUS continuity junkie and this crossover is driving me insane.  There’s just too damn much happening in the other titles I read, that I’m trying to keep track of, that I have NO idea where these events happen in relation to what’s going on in Forever Evil. Now we’re into this ‘Gothtopia’ nonsense in the Bat books. What? There’s not even a ‘the events in this issue take place before Forever Evil #1’. Nothing.

And we are reminded in THIS issue of FE that Hal Jordan is still out in space leading the GL Corps. What? You’d think he might want to help save his homeworld throughout all this. I understand he’s got Khunds and Durlans to deal with but this is EARTH. Maybe Power Ring’s ring will find our Hal as a suitable new host. Oh, right, forgot to mention, Power Ring DIES in this issue! Sinestro cuts his damn arm off! So things HAPPEN in these issues. I just need my where and when.

So in a conflict with Luthor’s crew, Deathstroke’s crew is summarily pounded and Lex convinces Slade to switch sides and fight the Syndicate. One dead Copperhead later and Luthor’s got a hell of a team assembled. Batman is summarily outvoted for being in charge, much to his chagrin (which is entertaining as hell). Meantime, when Power Ring’s ring set off for a replacement it sent out some sort of energy pulse that was ‘sensed throughout the multiverse’ and now there’s a big energy wave or something hanging out over coastal Maine that the Syndicate is all worried about. Supposedly this is the being that destroyed their world. I don’t know what it is. I just hope it wraps up the storyline soon and all the individual titles dovetail back into the Post-Forever Evil New Status Quo, which will most likely be similar to the Pre-Forever Evil Old Status Quo, and my life can begin to make sense again.

Also: Shower is clear. Nothing to see here.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode IV (Batwoman #27)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

BATWOMAN #27

Wolf Spider? Really?

Wolf Spider.

Ok, hang on, we'll get to that. Yes, the first comic from the Big 2 I'm reviewing is Batwoman. No, it's not my favorite superhero title. It's not even my favorite DC comic, probably not even in my top ten. But it is, yes, one of the books my Very Special Lady likes to read from my pile every month. So, dear reader, see my last review for why that's an important thing to uphold.

Just gonna come out and say what everyone is thinking that we all thought as soon as the news came out but have been confirmed on since it happened: Batwoman has not been very good since JH Williams III and W. Haden Blackman left. It's been mostly all over the place. Disjointed and meandering. I get that the new team will need a little time to get themselves on the same page (so to speak). But come on. Wolf Spider? That's what you lead with out of the gate? Maybe there's more to this character that has yet to be revealed, but right now he's just a mercenary burglar that doses his victims with some sort of hallucinogen then knocks them out of windows. Which is exactly what happened in issue 26.

We pick up issue 27 in midair with our heroine plummeting to her death from the above referenced window. Miraculously, on the way down, she has a serious and lengthy hallucinogenic experience that pretty much covers all the fears/ inadequacies/ mistakes/ disapproving father figures from her life in the time it takes her to fall 40 or 50 stories. A long, strange trip, indeed.

But, of course, being the strong woman in control of her emotions (also the title character) she gets it together enough to aim for an awning with some convenient trash bags below it. Wolf Spider escapes and has a rendezvous with his/her mysterious employer. Batwoman stumbles back to the apartment she's sharing with some woman and her tween kid ( I honestly was so annoyed by Wolf Spider during last issue I didn't pay attention to what this domestic arrangement is all about) and painfully pulls off all her costume pieces/ body armor and strews them about the apartment such that her roommate's Belieber child easily finds them and begins screaming at the top of her lungs in the middle of the night. So the roommate wakes up to see what Hannah Montana is screaming about and there's Kate Kane half naked and beat all to hell. CLIFFHANGER.

I mean, it wasn't ALL bad. The trip illustrations were cool and effective and different enough from the non-trip art to keep me ensconced.

I'm gonna continue to give this book a chance and for the new crew to figure it out. Not just because it's in my own best interests to keep my Very Special Lady in the comics she likes, but hey, it's a Batman book about a red haired lipstick lesbian. 

My three most favorite things in the world.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode III (Revival #17)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

REVIVAL #17

‘Wait a minute’, you’re asking yourself. ‘Does this joker only think of sex & Tim Seeley when he’s in the john?” My response to you, dear reader, is “Who am I? Josh Blaylock?”.

I don’t know what that means.

The true fact is that every month my Very Special Lady borrows certain comics from my stack to read without spending any of her own money on her habit. In exchange, I get the occasional Semi- Neo- Not-Quite-Bacchanalia Lite and homemade red beans & rice. That’s what love is. Anywho, Revival is one of those comics and she’s bugging me about it so I moved it to the top of the pile. Now you also reap the benefits. 

Revival IS as good as everyone says it is. Seriously. I can speak to that with utmost credibility because I know Rural Noir. It may have been Central Illinois and not the wilds of Wausau, Wisconsin, but I grew up in, when held up to the cultural mecca of Chicago, a comparative backwoods.  When you’ve worked as a DJ at a strip club in a town of 7,000, then you can talk to me (RIP Wildside Cabaret). This issue hits the three pillars of rural life: Wal-Mart after midnight, rednecks behaving badly, and a hidden compartment full of human teeth. 

With this issue we get some (maybe) definitive progress in the ‘Em is having an untoward affair with her Professor’ storyline and some really beautiful sentiments from said Professor to his wife. (That Tim Seeley has grown so much as a writer from the days when he overused ‘Lil’ in all his scripts). We find out a little more about the creepy masked, scarred guy that was gunning for the Professor. Dana reestablishes her badassitude while tracking down the Professor and we find out that the father of her child is still in love with her even though he’s shacking up with a hot, inked redhead that’s apparently DTF all the time.

Are questions answered in this issue? Yes. Is anything resolved? No. Are MORE questions raised? YES. Is that OK? Also yes. It’s frustrating and confusing (much like rural life) a lot of the time, but it’s also damn captivating and keeps me coming back for more. And, full disclosure, it was already on the top of my pile. 

I also REALLY want to know what the fine citizens of Wausau think of this book.