COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LV (24: Underground #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

24: UNDERGROUND #1

Jack Bauer is one of the greatest modern American heroes to have been created in the last 20 years. He has led the hero's journey to end all hero's journeys. From his very first terrible 'day' where he lost his wife to the downward spirals his life has taken along the way and the brief moments of happiness he's experienced only to have them ripped away from him, he's taken it all and still fights for what's right.

I think I will review this comic in real time.

07:34:00 PM
The weird Eastern European dude in line at G-mart ahead of me looking for a comic that isn't out yet and taking way too long to do it finally wanders off. I am now able to harass Pat Loboyko freely while trying not to step on any loose 12 sided dice (it is Game Night). I retrieve my comics, discover that Ryvre wants me to review this 24 comic and head for home.

07:48:00 PM
I arrive at home and clean up the mess the kitten has made (his name is Carlos. He is an asshole). I do the OCD thing I do every week and organize my comics in the order I want to read them. Original Sin #0 gets the top spot. See my other review for how that turned out.

09:55:00 PM
The leftover Chinese food I had for lunch makes it's way to the out door so I grab the latest adventure of Jack Bauer and head for the can.

09:56:04 PM
Carlos butts his way into the bathroom with me and I forcibly eject him. No, he is not named after Carlos Bernard who played Tony Almeida on the old 24 series. My son Logan named him when he thought he was a she. Long story. Yes my son is named after Wolverine.

09:59:36 PM
I have now learned that Jack Bauer has been hiding out in the Ukraine, minding his own business, working a construction job. He's been there for awhile because he's living with the sister of the boss and knows plenty about the family and the screwup brother whose dealings with the Russian Mafia that start the action of this story. Brother owes money, doesn't pay up, is killed, his debt shifts to the respectable brother who happens to have one of the most dangerous men in the world pouring concrete for him. The respectable brother is threatened into stealing a shipment of dangerous chemicals, Jack helps and is stabbed by the truck driver in the process. At the rendezvous with the mob, Jack is recognized by someone from his past (who I should recognize but escapes me). Oh, and the CIA monitoring Odessa, gets video footage of the truck hijacking and of Jack at the wheel and goes into red alert, swearing to bring him in!

10:14:27 PM
While washing my hands I pause to appreciate how well done this issue is. Jack looks like Kiefer and....he's about the only familiar face besides this Russian I can't place. But it FEELS like 24. Kind of like an episode, the same flavor and stakes and such, the same world. But it is adapted well to the printed page.

10:17:38 PM
I change the ringer on my phone back to the CTU ringer, log into my G-Mart account and add this title to my subscriptions and sit down to write this review....

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LIV (Original Sin #0)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

ORIGINAL SIN #0

I keep getting suckered in. Like, no matter how many events or crossovers I get excited about, buy into wholeheartedly and then move to the top of my read pile every month, I am invariably disappointed in the outcome. Yeah, yeah, I know, this is only the zero issue and made for background information and setup for the main story but I'm kinda bored and not a little annoyed already.

This whole crossover is supposed to be about somebody killing Uatu The Watcher. He's the big bald guy that's always around at cosmic level turning points in the Marvel Universe. Always silently watching, never interfering, that's his gig. He's got a remote base on the moon from which he observes just about everything. Thing is, nobody ever bothered to ask him why he does what he does. So that's just what Sam Alexander, the new Nova, does.

Here, let me pause and address this Nova for a minute. I've always been aware of the character but never really followed him. I'm aware that the Nova Corps is essentially Marvel's answer to the Green Lantern Corps, an organization of space-faring aliens policing the galaxy. My only real exposure has been on the Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon that I have been watching on Netflix. This show features the young, brash hothead Nova we see here in this comic. And he's equally as annoying there as here. I mean all the characters on that show are pretty annoying so I shouldn't single out Nova alone, but I'm doing it anyway. Here in this comic we have the same young, newly Nova-fied Sam who's got more baggage than the TV version but is still pretty geeked out when the Avengers show up (though why Cap, Thor and Iron Man show up to investigate some random Incan god who showed up to terrorize some oil fields in New Mexico is beyond me). But Sam is pretty jazzed that he defeated the rampaging god-slash-rival oil company robot and stumps the big three avengers by asking about Uatu and his dealio.

So Sam goes to the moon because, well, he can, and confronts the Watcher himself. Uatu, being pretty tight lipped, doesn't say much. He shows Sam a video/memory of his people and how they violated the Prime Directive with good intentions  by bringing nuclear energy to a pre-industrialized planet, launching the indigenous people light years ahead of evolution. Surprise! This ended badly! Ten years later Uatu's people swing back around to this side of the 'verse and find the initial planet destroyed, it's people having abused their gifts to wage war on each other. Realizing his mistake, Uatu's dad swears them all to observance but non-interference for the rest of time. Sam, having his own daddy issues, can relate. They have a bro-ment and Uatu breaks his vow just a little bit and let's Sam know his dad is still alive. The end.

Okaaaaaay. Soooooo what do we know now that we didn't know before? We know that the Watcher watches EVERYTHING. Not just the regular universe but infinite possibilities. This is not very surprising or out of the realm of possibility. We know he keeps an arsenal of deadly weapons from across the galaxy INCLUDING The Ultimate Nullifier (which is the only item that Sam and I both recognize). Again, possible, makes sense he would pick up the dangerous toys left behind at the battles he watches. We learned some really trite and hackneyed origin story for Uatu that is entirely played out in just about every corner of the sci-fi universe. Not a damn thing surprising there, although I'm sure that the fact that his father's decision plays out the same in every universe and variation will have something to do with he overall story.

But really? Well? That's about it. I really hope this crossover turns into something spectacular. I could use a refill of my 'faith in crossovers' tank. But I'm not holding my breath. Though I will, I guess, keep watching.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LIII (Batman #30)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

BATMAN #30

There is definitely a plus to reading so many comic books (correction: so many unmemorable comic books) that you cannot keep track of what's going on in most of them. When an issue like this one opens up with the main character awaking from a long bout of unconsciousness to find his whole world changed beyond belief and nigh unrecognizable...you can sympathize.

I don't get DC comics. I really don't. Marvel provides an incredibly useful service in its recap page. It gives you the overall intention and story behind the book itself as well as a primer on what just happened so you can dive right into the new issue with you mind jogged and up to speed. If anything it makes me want to read MORE Marvel Comics since I enjoy them more fully. DC not so much. Are their stories that densely packed with subtlety and nuance that they can't spare one page to remind the reader of what came before? I mean, there are, like 18 regular batman titles! How am I supposed to reconcile the Man-Bats in one, Professor Pyg in another, and now past tense Riddler in this one? I suppose there's probably a recap on DCs website, but I'm reading a comic!!! I don't want to have to hunt down things! Gah!

So let’s talk about this Zero Year business. That’s what’s been going on in this title and probably why I haven’t reviewed it yet. Zero Year has been one of the scant few passable storylines to come out of The Great Failed Forever Evil Experiment of 2013/14. Designed to cover up the time Forever Evil was happening and tell a new, yet important story from Batman’s past, it has done a passable job of both. We have seen essentially the first year of Bruce Wayne’s career as a vigilante and the trouble and disasters Gotham was plagued with at the same time. There was a flood, I believe, from a megastorm of some kind. The power went out. There might have been sharks. I’m not sure. Again, read the above paragraphs. The burgeoning relationship with Jim Gordon feels natural and good. Supposedly this is the ‘Final Act’ of the Zero year story (or so the cover touts) but I’m concerned this last bit may sour the whole story.

Somehow The Riddler has taken over the city. Like wholly and completely taken over. They don’t come right out and say how long it’s been since the last issue, but it feels like a LONG time. People are kind of resigned to their new fate and status quo. There are long ratty beards as apparently The Riddler has banned shaving utensils. There is talk of people ‘fighting back at the beginning’. It’s really pretty frustrating because we are supposed to believe that Bruce Wayne, after tossing his tore up Batsuit, collapses and is found by some preteen kid and nursed back to health layin g on the kids floor on a ratty mattress. And there’s some sort of IV happening too. And the kid shaved his face for him while he was in his semi-coma. This doesn’t hold water.

Anyway, Gordon is still on the streets trying to mount a resistance. He gets some tactical type people who parachute into Gotham only to roll over when confronted by the Riddler. Meantime Bruce has his strength back even though he’s been near comatose for a couple months and sneaks out to fight back. He reclaims his tossed off cowl and cape, cobbles together something of a ghetto outfit and rescues Gordon and the tactical squad. Setting up a couple more issues of righteously taking back his city. It should, at least, have a few fun badass moments.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LII (X-Files Annual #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

X-FILES ANNUAL #1

Man, this Annual had PROMISE. I have been loving the regular series from IDW, I mean LOVING it. They have been running a storyline that revisits old, familiar cases but in a remarkably smart way. The characterizations are spot on and the art has been realistic and dark with mostly accurate renditions of the actors themselves. The cover of this annual is spectacular! All black and white with a moody image of Mulder & Scully looking through some window blinds with and awesome Exorcist homage of a priest in a foggy courtyard. All good indications that this book would continue delivering the goods. This Annual, though, goes way off the rails.

The first thing you notice when you get past the stunning cover is that the art on the inside is...wrong. It's just ridiculous and messy. And the faces...THE FACES. They look (Scully especially) and without any exaggeration, like caricatures and I don't mean caricatures in the broad sense, I mean LITERALLY the kind of caricatures you see guys making at street festivals and carnivals. Yeah. It's BAD. Look, I can appreciate the need for different artistic styles and to change it up every now and then. I can. But I have a strong opinion when it comes to comics based on properties where there are certain actors exclusively associated with the characters. You gotta make them look like the actors. Period. Don't even try to give me the 'my drawings represent the spirit of the actors' bullshit. If you can't draw an accurate and consistent David Duchovny face, you are the wrong person to be drawing an X-Files comic.

Maybe the art took me too far out of it but damn if the story isn't dumb too. Some guy is killed while on his cell phone with his wife and his spirit/ soul/ consciousness is somehow bonded to the phone. So he can call his wife through the busted phone to warn her about the shady ex business partners of his that will be coming to kill her. Meanwhile the priest from the cover is actually a spirit as well whose job is to protect the knowledge of the existence of the afterlife from those on the mortal plane. Yeah. So Mulder & Scully show up and he believes while she's skeptical, blah blah blah. Ultimately Scully kills the shady business partner and therefore the ghost guy has no reason to stay on the mortal plane and floats off to his reward. Not a bad episode, but pretty boring and formulaic.

The second story in this annual is a little more entertaining and quirky. It's just Scully talking to a gross disembodied hand for eleven pages. It's supposed to be the hand of her high school sweetheart who never stopped loving her and who she never stopped loving either. She and he hand have this imaginary discussion every night while she's sleeping, but tomorrow the ex-boyfriend will meet the woman that makes him forget about Scully so it's down to this: she either wakes up and calls him, leaves the FBI and they live happily ever after, or she doesn't and he meets the new girl. Again, kinda quirky, the art's better, but still. Most Annuals are dumping grounds for stories that didn't quite for into the regular run. This one is NO exception.

I say skip it and save your money.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LI (Justice League #29)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

JUSTICE LEAGUE #29

Thank GOD!!! It's been over a half a year in the making but it's finally happened! This book features my favorite panel of any comic, DC or Marvel, to come out in recent memory. More than the boobs in any of the Image comics I read/ review. It's the final panel on the final page of the book. I could tell you what's going on in the panel, but it doesn't matter. It could be a blank white panel and still be my favorite. It's the few words overlaid on the page that sets this apart from the millions of other panels I have looked at this year one. Seven words.

'To Be Concluded In Forever Evil #7'

This gorram crossover will never end. It is LITERALLY lasting forever. Not only is this damn story still going on but it feels like all the other regular books are just spinning wheels until they can actually react to the post-Forever Evil DCU landscape.  Ugh. So frustrating. I hope DC is getting a lot of flak for this debacle from more well respected and less gamey critics than yours truly. Only then will they learn a lesson and deliver better work. Only then.

The story itself is not bad if you're a fan of Cyborg these last couple issues have been like Christmas for you. Here we see his final showdown with The Grid, the artificial intelligence from the Crime Syndicate world currently occupying his old cybernetic parts. At the outset of this event, the intelligence took over and forcibly ejected Victor Stone's human parts, and then took control of the world's communications systems. In this issue, Vic gets some payback. In the past, Vic had always rejected his cyborg half, feeling like he didn't fit in either world and being real angsty about it along the way. Here, in order to defeat the Grid, he fully embraces and integrates himself as a complete being and proceeds to whup the Grid's ass all over cyberspace.

With the help of The Metal Men. In the last issue we saw him convincing  Dr Magnus to re activate his team and here they are revived and ready to save the day.

Side note: the cover of this damn issue shows what one would believe to be the Metal Men wrapping up the Justice League in their protective bodies like a layer of armor and fighting the Grid. Yeah, that never actually happens in this book. The JL is still trapped in Firestorm. So that's false advertising on top of your other transgressions DC.

So the Grid is defeated on the cyber plane and all the worlds communications start to come back online. Mission accomplished. Then Steve Trevor shows up with Wonder Woman's lasso telling Cyborg that if he can get him to Firestorm, he can use the lasso, Martian Manhunter and his special sex bond with Diana to break the JL out. Of course he's then blasted by a whole bunch of Secret Society members. But Cyborg's got a new mission now and he's gonna accomplish it!

So yeah. Next issue should be some post Forever Evil stuff. Can't get here fast enough.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXX (Batgirl #30)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

BATGIRL #30

DC Comics you are PISSING ME OFF!

It isn’t bad enough that your first big ‘New 52’, universe shaking crossover is taking over half a year to complete, is overlong and overwrought and fraught with unnecessary tie ins and not-exactly-tie-ins. It’s not bad enough that all the books with characters involved in this big crossover have just been kind of meandering along, killing time until the Big Event catches up. Now, NOW, we’re nearing the end of the damn thing and you’re getting confused on who knows what and when. Case in point: Batgirl #30.

This issue is one big personal, internal journey for our dear Barbara Gordon. She spends a great deal of time thinking about her place in the ‘Bat Family’. About how she was different from the ‘Robins’, how she had her own set of wings, etc., etc. That’s all well and good. Happens all the time to just about every hero out there. But this time there are spoilers. 

***SPOILERS***

In remembering the Robins, she focuses on the one she was closest to, Dick Grayson. They were more than teammates, more than friends.  But in this touching look back, much of her chastising of herself is for forgetting that Dick is gone. It’s repeated, ad nauseum. Now, in the last issue of Forever Evil, we see Dick’s heart stop. But that’s the last we see. Of course we don’t know if he’s coming out of it or not. We assume he is because he’s Dick Grayson. But according to batgirl #30 that’s premature. As far as she knows, Dick is gone, never coming back.

But in the words of the late, great character actor James Rebhorn from ‘Independence Day’: “That’s…not…entirely…accurate”

I, like many of you, read the comic news. So I, like many of you, know that Dick Grayson DOES indeed survive Forever Evil somehow and is now part of some secret spy agency organized through Batman Inc. But Nightwing is dead, and the world must continue to think he’s dead for Dick’s mission to be most effective. He’s got a new series and everything. Will it work? Should it? Is it too much of a direct rip off from what’s going on with the Winter Soldier over at The House of Ideas right now? Those are questions to be answered in another review.

I should probably talk about what’s happening in the book, huh? OK, so some high school kids are playing the local ‘summon the boogeyman’ game (though how stupid do you have to be to tempt fate like that in Gotham of all places?) and surprise, surprise, they summon a boogeyman. Also known as the Midnight Man, who is some sort of oozey shapeshifting mimic creature that batgirl is able to defeat (for now). They’re building up her Rogues Gallery ok in recent issue, but time will tell how repeat encounters hold up.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXIX (Mighty Avengers #9)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

MIGHTY AVENGERS #9

And just as excited as I am about Secret Avengers, I have become equivalently nonplussed about It's Mighty counterpart

Don't get me wrong, I want to like this book. I like the concept of Luke Cage taking it back to street level and putting an Avengers team on the ground where they can so some real good. I like it a lot, in fact. But for the last couple issues, this book has lost sight of that. I gotta believe that the intention behind this book is to appeal to a more urban reader, a young African American or Latino who is used to not seeing him or herself reflected in the pages of mainstream comics too often now has a team full of people to identify with. Great, right?

Yeah. But that's not what's happening here.

We have found ourselves in a storyline that focuses almost entirely on The Blue Marvel. Some of you may be asking "who the hell is the Blue Marvel?" And I really wish I had a good answer for you. Near as I can figure it, this guy, an African American scientist with superpowers, was retconned into the Marvel Universe in a fashion similar to The Sentry before him (this guy seems to be less destructive and polarizing than old Bob Reynolds but who knows). According to this issue, the Marvel Universe and it's kickoff Galactus event happens some time after the dawn of the new century. In that timeline this guy had been a hero since before 1970. So let me get this straight: you've spent two issues of your urban youth appealing Avengers book dealing with an old, rich, black scientist trying to stop one of his estranged scientist sons from opening a portal into another universe and bringing back his other estranged son...on a remote island with a volcano?

That sound you heard was every teenager on my block dropping their game controller and cell phone and running to the comic shop.

The other notable development in this issue is that we finally learn who is under the Ronin (formerly Spider Hero) costume. I had already spoiled myself online so it wasn't a great revelation to me. And anyone with half a brain probably figured it out a few issues ago. Hell, I may even have revealed it in a previous review of this book and it was so not a big deal I forgot about it.

It's Blade. Surprise! Were you surprised? No, I didn’t think so.

The only real exciting this to come out of this issue was the concept of ‘Ninja Were-Snakes’. Yes, Ninja Were-Snakes. Humanoid snakes with Ninja abilities. I know! How awesome is that? I hope they stay around. Or let’s just put a team together consisting of were animals that have ninja skills. I’d buy that book. And I bet my hypothetical urban kid would buy it too. Or at least loiter in the store and read it. Which is kind of the same thing.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXVIII (Secret Avengers #2)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

SECRET AVENGERS #2

I thought it might have been a fluke last issue. Writer has a really strong, fleshed out idea for a first issue, has been thinking about it for months and months and it finally hits the page and is glorious and revelatory. Then it comes time for the second issue and it all goes to hell. It's happened before. All too often. The quarter bins at your local comic shop are filled with short run series that started out strong and couldn't sustain themselves. I am, however, pleased as punch to report that this volume of Secret Avengers does not fall into that category.

All the humor and sharp characterization of the first issue is still on hand for the second outing. The stakes are still high and bad things still happen even though there are superheroes on the case. Nobody is naked this issue but that is a minor drawback in the grand scheme of things.

Fury Jr and Coulson are still drifting aimlessly in space after a battle with a villainous robot. They contemplate their fate as well as their relationship as they float ever nearer to oblivion. It's like 2014 Best Picture Academy Award Nominee 'Gravity' but with a lot more bromance. I was around for the debut of both of these guys in the Marvel Comics Universe, and enjoyed the relationship that was established from the outset. But what we get here, so simple yet so poignant and revealing, gives so much more depth to these best friends then you would see if you eavesdropped on them at the local watering hole.

Meanwhile, back on the SHIELD helicarrrier, Maria Hill is still in the crosshairs of an assassin's gun and has even just taken a bullet through her hand as a warning shot. This, also, is one of my new favorite interpretations of Director Hill. She is calm and collected and actually, genuinely empathetic with her assailant, going so far as to apologize to the man who shot her. While at the same time calculating her options for getting herself out of the mess. Fortunately she doesn't have to because MODOK, her new pet mad scientist (and the newest, best odd couple in comics today) decides to sack up and be a hero and save her by sending a mouse with a hypodermic needle full of nerve toxin to save her and incapacitate her assailant. She wastes no time chastising the former villain for taking his time and for leaving Fury and Coulson to fend for themselves.

The third and funniest storyline follows Black Widow, Spider Woman and an uninvited Hawkeye as they race into space to stop the falling satellites ( the original mission). Along they way the ladies get in a pointed shot at the impressiveness of Clint's manhood and he fires back with an 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' reference. They get to the space station, save the day (in an ironically poignant fashion) and all's well that ends well.

Then Hill wraps up the issue with a line that I think will set the tone for this book moving forward: "Rules? This is the Secret Avengers. There are no rules". And there aren't. We've got irreverent yet heartfelt moments in this book that feel truly fresh. A team without any real big names that get the job done. And a title that's moving quickly to the top of my read list every month.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXVII (Batman Eternal #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

BATMAN ETERNAL #1

I REALLY think I'm going to like this book.

Gee, a Batman book written (in part) by Tim Seeley. How very much out of character for you.

Ok, so yes, it has two of my favorite things. But it also kicks off with Professor Pyg as the villain. Now, I am not shy in expressing my disregard for all things Grant Morrison. This guy is right up near the top. I suppose he's a fine villain, very old school but with a modern sensibility. Which is Morrison's stock in trade. But I just never was able to connect with the guy. And now he's got robotic pigs with guns and metal spider legs so there may never be a reconciliation with us. So that's one strike against the book.

Then the MAJOR set piece of the story just happens to be a huge subway train crash in the tunnels under Gotham. That's fine. There's some mystery around it. Jim Gordon seems to think he started it (even though his reasoning it out let's him off the hook). And it results in his arrest. But, see, I'm in Chicago. And we had our own train accident here not too long ago. It was major news. A subway train derailed and went up an escalator before it stopped. 

No. Nobody died.

No. It was only one subway car.

No. It wasn’t caused by a bullet, shot by the police commissioner through a gun that wasn’t there, held by a perp that was actually unarmed, into an electrical panel that doesn’t control switches and tracks anyway, but yet caused the whole horrific crash. It was caused by the driver falling asleep at the wheel.

But surely you see the correlation.

What the hell am I talking about?

This is, I believe, a weekly series. Or bi-monthly? Something. I don’t know. So while there’s a tasty framing sequence with Bruce Wayne bloodied and beaten, unmasked and chained to the destroyed batsignal, being taunted by the unseen villain responsible as ‘his allies lay slaughtered and his city burns around him’, it’s still too early to tell where this book is going. And that’s the both exciting and frustrating part. It’s got some nice pedigree in its creators and I truly hope it can sustain its more frequent than monthly schedule without falling behind. And ultimately I hope it delivers a strong narrative that keeps me interested, keeps the Grant Morrison throwbacks to a minimum, and puts our heroes through the wringer at every possible opportunity. So far so good. I’m intrigued. Give me more, DC and don’t screw it up.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXVI (Captain America #19)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

CAPTAIN AMERICA #19

All right, I admit it, I am a johnny-come-lately to the world of Captain America. I got on board with the ‘Death of’ storyline, but I’ve stuck with him ever since. Even through that hideous and overlong ‘Dimension Z’ crapfest of recent. But I gotta admit, I don’t really have a feeling one way or the other for Steve Rogers. As a person, sure, I get it. He’s the world’s greatest tactician and soldier, a man out of time, blah blah blah. That’s all fine, but the Steve Rogers parts aren’t why I keep buying the book. It’s the world he lives in, and all the other characters that inhabit it, that’s why I’m still here, reviewing Issue #19 and still geeking out over the movie I saw two days ago.

I love spies and spy organizations. I love secret government conspiracies and when those conspiracies blow up in the faces of those responsible. I’ve always loved S.H.I.E.L.D. and what they represent and the order they are trying to keep in a world full of Gods & Monsters. And I’m not the most patriotic Son of the Good Ol’ US of A but I’m nowhere near the least. Since I got on board with this book/ character the stories I’ve loved the best have been ones that shake Cap’s faith in his Government and his mission. Coming back from his death, taking over as the head of SHIELD, dealing with the anarchists and those who just want to watch the world burn (quote liberally and intentionally stolen), these have always been my favorite stories. The Dimension Z tale is the most forefront of the stories I have tuned out on. I get what they were doing, trying to infuse some of that original ‘man out of time’ or ‘in an unfamiliar time’ pathos back on the character by stranding him in another dimension for 14 years, raising a family, etc. But I just didn’t care. At all. See the above list of stuff I like and you’ll see that none of that stuff was on hand in Dimension Z.  The Winter Soldier story, though, that was the exception.

Bucky Barnes, for the longest time, was, along with Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben, an IRREVERSIBLE death in comics. A character whose death was SO IMPORTANT to the makeup of another character that to bring him back would be detrimental to that other character. Losing Bucky was a defining moment in Cap’s life and the general consensus was that there was NO good way to bring him back that would make Cap’s story better, not worse. Along comes Ed Brubaker with the idea that Bucky was rescued by the Russians and brainwashed to become the ultimate assassin and who is still operating today. Cap and TWS meet head on and when Cap realizes its his old friend, well, the stories that subsequently came out of it were some of the best of Cap’s decades long run and revitalized the character like nothing else had. Hell, the SECOND movie with the character featured The Winter Soldier in the TITLE!

So where does that leave us with this issue? It seems like every time Marvel needs a new villain or set of villains it retcons a ‘Weapon’ program. Wolverine debuted as Weapon X and we thought it was a cool name. Then we learned the X was a Roman numeral ten, and that he was the tenth generation of the ‘Weapon Plus’ program that created the likes of Sabertooth and Deadpool, genetic anomalies. NOW, we have the ‘Weapon Minus’ program that apparently was tasked with creating opponents for the Super Soldiers in the world (like Cap) should they go off the rails. Through the manipulation of a villain calling himself ‘The iron Nail’ (who may or not be a former SHIELD agent named Shen who was just introduced in the new Winter Soldier series- SYNERGY) a Weapon Minus member has escaped. Calling himself ‘Dr. Mindbubble’ (I know) he can generate bubbles…from…his…mind? That when they envelop your head, you are under his control. It’s all very trippy. By this issue he’s taken control of most of SHIELD and one mega-helicarrier and has just crashed two smaller ones full of innocent SHIELD agents in an attempt to destroy SHIELD’s ‘Big brother-like’ stranglehold on the world. Cap is PISSED. But he races right into the fight and gets a bubble on his head for his trouble.

Of course he’ll break the control. Of course he’ll save the day. But those agents are still dead and that’s the kind of stakes I like to see in my comic books. Even though ‘Dr. Mindbubble’ makes me cringe, I’ll be back next month. And if you haven’t seen the movie, what are you waiting for!?!?!?

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXV (Avengers Assemble #25)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE #25

Is this book ending too?? Come ON, Marvel! You lure my fanboy ass in with a promise of important continuity with the other Avengers titles I collect, even though on the surface it appears to just be a book for new fans who jumped on board after the movie came out. The first arc DID pretty much only include characters on the team that also appeared in the movie, and sometimes shoehorned them in to do so. But as the book progressed, it became its own title and the characters came and went as the story required them, not to keep them around to fill some artificially mandated roster.

This latest story arc has been pretty entertaining. Kind of like on-the-job hero training for Anya 'Spider Girl' as she's paired with Avengers famous and not-so-famous over the course of recent issues. This storyline sprang from the recent Inhuman-centric crossover that affected the whole of the Marvel Universe. In a nutshell, Black Bolt, the Inhuman king, detonated a terrigen bomb which triggered the latent mutant transformation in regular humans around the world descended from the pure Inhumans. This caused the humans to be enveloped in a cocoon while their new abilities manifested. One of these cocooned humans was Anya's beloved teacher. His cocooned body was summarily stolen/ kidnapped and Anya swore to save him. So she came to the Avengers.

Along the way she worked with Wolverine, Black Widow and Spider Woman, and others. All leading up to this issue where ALL the Avengers join in the hunt. Along the way Anya has grown on me as a 'teen age superhero' character. Regular readers of this blog will be well versed on my feelings toward the younger set. It can be summed up as 'get offa my lawn and outta my comics'. But this was different. She was still all ‘Ohmygodthisissocool’ about it, but she did her own research, stood up for herself and ‘made her bones’ with the Avengers as they say. I liked her so much I bought the action figure that just came out. And that, my friends, is a commitment.

So, like I said, in this issue all the Avengers convene to rain down upon AIM headquarters (the guys that stole the cocoon). It turns out that there’s another player in this game: The Toxic Doxie. Now, I been curious about this character since she showed up out of the blue as Norman Osborn’s Scarlet Witch in his 2^nd Dark Avengers group. Like when Strong guy showed up in Thunderbolts recently after becoming Lord of Hell in X-Factor, I love it when characters show back up in books I wasn’t expecting to find them in. It’s been fun to watch how crazy and funny she is during this adventure. Her goal was to copy the new Inhumans’ powers for herself, hence the cocoon stealing. She got the power of one of them, but is going for the second when all hell breaks loose. There’s some laugh out loud (literally, my roommate was concerned at what was going on in the bathroom) moments of banter between the heroes in this issue and the day is nicely saved. There’s a nice (if inaccurate) 1/3 page panel of all the heroes (including Anya) assembling. Then the book blows it for me. The last two pages have Anya at home, geeking out over getting a text from Steve Rogers. He then sends her a new ringtone which happens to be the theme song to the ‘Avengers Assemble tv show that’s on the Disney Channel. 

Really.

Then I’m kinda blindsided as the writer, Kelly Sue DeConnick, takes the whole last page to rewrite ‘Goodnight Moon’ as a farewell to the book. What? I don’t get it. What mandate did it fulfill? Warren Freaking Ellis was the artist for crap’s sake! What more do you need?

Marvel, you make it really hard to love you sometimes.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXIV (Revival #19)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

REVIVAL #19

In the spirit of full disclosure, and of educating the reader before they spend a minute to a minute and a half of their hard earned time reading the crap that spews out of my head, I feel I need to give you fair warning that the lion’s share of this review will concern itself with whether or not Tim Seeley can be categorized as legally insane. Now, note, I said LEGALLY insane, not CRIMINALLY insane. There’s a difference. There’s what Tim does and then there’s painting your Transformer s toys to look like the members of KISS.

Let’s take a look at Exhibit A, the only real exhibit at hand, that’s this issue of Revival, the popular ‘rural noir’ that Tim and Mike Norton crank out on a monthly basis. Now, there’s a lot of crazy stuff going on in this book. Crazy is kind of its stock in trade.  We got a whole rural Wisconsin town that is on federally mandated quarantine because one day a bunch of its dead residents came back to life. The people that return seem to heal from injuries at a superhuman rate. There was a ring of criminals (The Check Brothers) selling pieces of revived townsfolk on the black market. And, in the woods, there are some sort of glowing, alien looking light beings hanging out and menacing anyone that crosses their path. So yeah, crazy is, apparently, the number one export of Wausau, Wisconsin. Seeley should know, he grew up there. But he doesn’t live there anymore. So IF crazy is the number one export, and Tim Seeley has been exported from there, then, quid pro quo, ergo sum, Tim Seeley MUST be crazy.

Let’s say my iron clad logic and reasoning from the above paragraph doesn’t convince you. I have more examples. See the photo below:

Nobody that grows up looking like that ends up sane. It just doesn’t happen. Often they end up billionaires, and Tim is not one of those, but they are still crazy billionaires. Example #2: how Tim Seeley came into my life personally. It was near on ten years ago and I had just opened the stage show that would ultimately alter the course of my life. It was called ‘Boomstick! A Musical Parody of Darkness’, basically an Army of Darkness Musical. Basically I copied the screenplay and threw in 9 or 10 songs that had been created by writing lyrics to unused radio background music (beds) provided by my friend Brian. I thought it was awesome, but I also liked the ‘Daredevil’ movie so my taste is questionable. Tim shows up to see the show one night and follows me to the local watering hole afterwards. I didn’t know Tim from the next guy, never heard of him. Hack/Slash (his previous claim to fame) had barely hit the stands and because he loved my Army of Darkness musical, he wanted me to put Hack/Slash on stage. Think about that for a minute. You just saw some ragtag show in a storefront theater under the Loyola L tracks, and you want to entrust your exciting new publishing project to the yahoo who directed it? That’s CRAZY. He went on to date and ultimately marry one of the actresses from the Hack/Slash show that eventually happened and that is a whole alternate universe of crazy that I do not have the time to go into here. You’re going to have to trust me on this one. CRAZY. Or as the young punks today say: cray-cray.

“So, what’s the point?” you’re probably asking yourself right about now. Clearly this is the first review of mine you’ve read if you’re looking for one of those.

The point IS, in this issue of Revival, Tim is approaching the stratosphere of crazy reserved only for the kinds of folks who take those above mentioned painted Transformers and make stop motion videos with them. Dana Cypress, the main character of the book, her son, who Tim gave an incredibly heart wrenching perspective to last issue, well, this issue he has a video game in which you can kick an opponent’s dick off and if you kick it hard enough, it launches into space.

Just take a minute and read that again.

Then when you see Tim Seeley walking down the street or at a convention, maybe don’t make eye contact.

There’s also something called a ‘dubstep gun’ in the same video game but that’s clearly Seeley pandering to all the dubstep fans that read his comics.

Also in this issue the light beings can enter people’s bodies and control them, a militia type wipes his ass with a ticket, Jesus rides a skateboard, and an FBI agent that looks remarkably like Dana Scully show up.

The end.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXIII (New Avengers #16)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

NEW AVENGERS #16

Come ON, Marvel! What are you doing to me here?? Another alternate universe, thinly veiled Justice League amalgam? Mr. Fantastic builds a machine that can look into any number of potential universes and outcomes, and you immediately go down the Squadron Supreme road? And not even well! This is a cheap shot wrapped around a need to spotlight a magic user with a helmet. You can do better, Marvel and Jonathan Hickman, specifically. I know you can. I mean, you didn't even change the name of Doctor Spectrum. Lazy!

We do start out with some fun banter between T'Challa and Namor in a framing sequence that sets up this world with a weak sauce impersonation of a Justice League. Reed Richards' machine is up and running and Black Panther is on monitor duty. Namor drops by and their lingering distaste for each other is palpable. The Panther has discovered a world that has survived two incursions by this universe destroying phenomenon in new and different ways. T'Challa shows a world where the Marvel heroes we know we're killed off during their version of the Secret Invasion and this faux Justice League rose in it's place. Since then they’ve become a real team of heroes, regarded highly by the world and loved by them as well. They seem like good people. They have worries and concerns, they regret their destructive actions, they strive to be the heroes the Earth deserves. Then come the incursions. They have battled back several of them, but each time they are concerned with what they will have to do, what they will have to become, in order to repel the next one. The Superman representation says that he respects that all things must die, but he refuses to accept the unnatural acceleration of it.

Wait a tick.

Didn’t Reed Richards say pretty much that exact same thing? I KNOW he did because it’s on the recap page every issue! And it is a known fact that I LOVE the recap page. So things change, things stay the same. Their Doctor Fate (called The Norn, ANOTHER shout out- to the stones of our Marvel U) has to split himself into three duplicates, then he puts on the helmet of one of these Black Priest guys who seem somehow to be at the center of all this mess. He then has enough power, and can say the magic words he need to destroy the incurring world. How that reconciles with their above concerns I don’t have a clue.

So they do it. World blows up. Their world is saved. Life goes on. Namor, characteristically flip, ends the book with ‘Well. That is something different.’ I can only assume this means they will bring in Doctor Strange to try to recreate what’s going on with this Justice League and apply it to our world. But really, that’s all for this book. Not much really happens. We’re on our world for maybe 5 pages, then the rest is us being force fed the ‘look how clever we are!’ Batman is dressed like a knight! The Superman (Sun God because, you know, Kryptonians get their power from the sun) calls him ‘Wayne’! Every time I hit an issue like this I have to stop and hope it means something more to the overall story. I am, more and more, leaning towards just getting the trade paperbacks of my titles. Then, I wouldn’t be sitting on the can shouting ‘That’s it? That’s all there is? Come on, you can do better than that’ and making my roommates wonder about my self-motivation techniques.

OH, ALSO! It’s got a big #1 on the cover! No, I didn’t miss the bowl, I mean a REAL #1, and a #16. For no apparent reason!! This is the middle of a storyline, there;s no associated ‘sub story title’ that usually accompanies this phenomenon. Nothing. No reason for it. So maybe Marvel is just slapping a big #1 on all their books now, regardless. Wouldn’t surprise me. Buyer beware!!!

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXII (Teen Titans #29)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

TEEN TITANS #29

Am I a masochist? I've gone in record for a couple issues now with my dislike of and general annoyance with Teen Titans. Yet here I am reviewing it again. What's next in my downward spiral? Burning myself with cigarettes? Cutting? At the rate I'm going it could go either way. It's possible I need an intervention. Or an 800 number or something. My continued attention to this book is clearly a cry for help.

It is being cancelled though. This is, I think, the next to last issue? Plus an Annual? I don't know. I just know that Teen Titans won't have me to push around for much longer. And I can't say I'm terribly disappointed.

This issue picks up a few hours after the events of last issue where Solstice, crazy in love with Bart, killed someone in public so she would be condemned to the same prison planet as him. We get some pretty good flashbacks into her origins and time in the 'colony'. We get to see how abused and betrayed she was and that provides some insight into her recent actions. She's in a cell next to Bart and Red Robin comes to say his goodbyes and to thank them for being on the team. It's a very mature and heartfelt scene  and they react as such. And I didn't hate it.

The cells are jettisoned and Raven tries to console RR with some if the touchy-touchy but his mind is elsewhere. He catches up with Wonder Girl and has the long awaited 'will they of won't they' moment and they kiss passionately. The three of them have some final words before being shunted back to their own time (asking to be sent back before the Crime Syndicate attacks-this storyline is technically still a spinoff I guess-can't be done) and arrive back in San Francisco in time to help their other teammates that were left behind fight some new villains.

So there was quite a bit if growing up to be had in this issue. I'm kinda surprised and impressed. I'm still happy the title is ending though. It didn't warm the cockles of my cold, cold heart that much. But maybe I'll be a little bits sadder to see it go.