COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode II (Sex #10)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

SEX #10

OK, so technically this came out LAST week, but I’m not going to wait another month before talking about sex in this column so deal with it.

I hope you’re reading this book. I really do. If only for the simple reason that there should be more unabashed sex comics from mainstream publishers today. Yes, I know there are already a bunch, but we need them to LAST. I don’t know about you, dear reader, but for me, time is marching on. Every day I’m 24 hours closer to being worm food and I do not have time for the c***-teases the likes of which Zenescope puts out multiple times a month. I want to see the GOODS.

Now the last issue was aces for that. It was the big Bacchanalia party (seeing a trend in these reviews? Maybe it’s because my Very Special Lady is of an exotic, Mediterranean origin…but I digress) . There was full frontal fabulousness on just about every panel. And some Caligula level debauchery to boot. Issue 10 though, is kinda like…semi-meh. 

How do I explain this? 

Ok, so you lock yourself in with your Very Special Person for a marathon session of boot knocking and the first time you do it is awesome, the second time you do it is awesome, the third and fourth time you do it are also awesome. Then you get to about three in the morning, you’re kinda spent and sleepy and yet your partner wants to do it one more time because she just watched a couple episodes of Jem & The Holograms on Netflix and wants to call you ‘Rio’ so you do it for her, and its also awesome, but less so? THAT’S what issue 10 is like. 

What? That’s not a good example?

So some more non-sex based plot happens in this issue. A Japanese conglomerate wants to buy out Simon Cooke’s company. Lorraine (Baines, also Marty McFly’s mom’s maiden name from ‘Back to the Future’), Simon’s assistant has some decent character development and sex with this guy from the Mayor’s office. Simon rubs one out in the shower thinking about last issue’s sex party. Some other stuff happens with the peripheral characters but not enough to bother relating here. 

FUN FACT LEARNED THIS ISSUE: Puking on your partner during the act of lovemaking is NOT considered scatological. Thanks, thinly veiled Catwoman rip off!

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode I

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

ARMY OF DARKNESS VS HACK/ SLASH #5

So welcome to my first review for the fine folks at G-Mart. Now, full disclosure, me and the writer of this particular comic (Tim Seeley) and the G-mart establishment go WAY back. Once upon a time I used to produce theater in Chicago. Tim saw a stage musical version of Army of Darkness that I produced and after the show, over beers, introduced me to Hack/ Slash. This was many years ago, before he was a hotshot superstar. I proceeded to put the first two H/S comics on stage. Several current and former G-Mart employees took part in both shows and G-mart itself promoted and sponsored some related events. Was it pure coincidence I chose this book off my pile to accompany me to the commode tonight? Or was there something more sinister at work?

Anyway, I’ve been enjoying this series pretty well. Tim has a really good ear for Ash’s dialogue and in this issue they finally gets around to tying the Necronomicon to Akakios and The Black lamp Society. Basically Ash & Cassie jump into a Necronomicon created vortex and are shunted back to Ancient Greece. Yes, Greece. (Stick around, dear reader and you'll learn about the irony of all this for me) Ash and Cassie are sold into slavery but luckily are sold to an older woman with a penchant for the freaky deaky. In order to draw out the bad guys, Ash convinces his owner to throw a huge Bacchanalia (aka a great big freaky sex party). This line of Ash’s sums it up nicely: “What? You think a guy who built a fully functioning metal hand in Medieval England couldn’t concoct sex toy guns in Ancient Greece? Come on, gimme some credit.”

So the sex toy gun thing happens. Ash and Cassie and the freaky freaks defeat the deadite horde. Cassie is beating Young Akakios to death when Ash stops her with the usual time-space continuum argument of ‘if you kill him now, all this other important stuff won’t happen’. Akakios runs away and Cassie clocks Ash so she can run off and…DUN DUN DUN…use the Necromicon to bring her dead partner Vlad back to life! She’s interrupted by some Black Lamp woman and…to be continued.

Seeley’s got a strong story going here and, as I said above, has weaved the two mythologies together extremely well. If you’re a fan of either of these properties, or just a fan of elaborately drawn group-and-more sex scenes that challenge the convention of “draped hair and clothing barely covering the naughty bits”, you shouldn’t miss this issue (or the whole series for that matter).

New Comics: January 15

ARCHIE COMIC PUBLICATIONS

Betty And Veronica #269
Mega Man #33
Sonic The Hedgehog #256

AVATAR PRESSGod Is Dead #5
Gravel Combat Magician #0
Rover Red Charlie #2
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BONGO COMICSSimpsons Comics #208

BOOM! STUDIOS3 Guns #6
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Adventure Time Mathematical Edition Volume 3 HC
Clive Barker's Hellraiser The Dark Watch #12
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Curse #1
Imagine Agents #4
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DARK HORSE COMICSB.P.R.D. Hell On Earth #115
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Kiss Me Satan #5
S.H.O.O.T. First #4
Skyman #1
Star Wars Darth Vader And The Cry Of Shadows #2
Star Wars Dawn Of The Jedi Force War #3
Strain The Fall #7
X #9

DC COMICSAstro City #8
Batgirl #27
Batman Li'l Gotham #10
Coffin Hill #4
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DC Universe Vs The Masters Of The Universe #4
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Green Lantern Corps #27
Injustice Year Two #1
Justice League 3000 #2
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Scooby-Doo Where Are You #41
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Superman Wonder Woman #4
Worlds' Finest #19

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Magic The Gathering Theros #3
Maxx Maxximized #3
Mr Peabody And Sherman #3
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Popeye Classics #18
Powerpuff Girls #5
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles New Animated Adventures #7
Transformers More Than Meets The Eye #25
Triple Helix #4
Wraith Welcome To Christmasland #3

X-Files Conspiracy #1

IMAGE COMICSAlex + Ada #3
Carbon Grey Volume 3 #2
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Prophet #42
Protectors Inc #3
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Ten Grand Volume 1 TP
Velvet #3
Voice In The Dark #3

MARVEL COMICSAll-New X-Men #21
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Avengers Arena Volume 3 Boss Level TP
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Dexter HC
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Fantastic Four #16
Fantastic Four Epic Collection Volume 17 All In The Family TP

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Marvel Knights Hulk #2
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Nova #12
Revolutionary War Dark Angel #1
Secret Avengers #14
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Superior Spider-Man #25
Superior Spider-Man Volume 4 Necessary Evil TP
Thor God Of Thunder #17
Thor God Of Thunder Volume 1 The God Butcher TP
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Uncanny X-Men #16
Wolverine MAX #15
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MICROCOSM PUBLISHINGHenry And Glenn Forever And Ever #3

ONI PRESSSixth Gun #37

RENEGADE ARTS ENTERTAINMENTDepartment Of Monsterology #4 (Of 4)

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VALIANT ENTERTAINMENTArcher And Armstrong #17
Harbinger #20
Unity #3

ZENESCOPE ENTERTAINMENTGrimm Fairy Tales Presents No Tomorrow #5
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