I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.
JLA #12 & ARKHAM WAR #5
And the Forever Evil party train rolls on.
I was just gonna blab about the JLA book since it came out
this week, but then I read the Arkham War book from a couple weeks ago and had
to include it.
DC. What the hell? This is SUCH lazy storytelling!! I can’t
take much more of this artificially extended story BS! Both of these storylines
could have been wrapped up ISSUES ago. I wish someone would tell me why this
story and its associated tie ins have to last so long, if the reason is
ACTUALLY something other than ‘because the fanboys will buy it.
In JLA we have Martian Manhunter & Stargirl, the only two
heroes (not counting Batman and Catwoman) to not be stuck inside Firestorm’s
pants (or something) are still trying to get cross country to check on Stargirl’s
parents when they are jumped by Despero. Now I was around when they created
Despero back in the Bwah Ha Ha days and he was pretty freakin’ scary and
formidable. Here he’s tossed in merely as an obstacle for these two? There is
lots of fighting and way too much teen angst from Stargirl about how she’s
psyching herself up to fight back against Despero while simultaneously reliving
her first big villain battle (with Shadow Thief) which may or may not have gotten
her brother killed. I don’t know. I cared three issues ago. So MM gets killed
(right) and as he dies he is inspired because he knows Stargirl made it to
Firestorm’s pants and is gonna save everyone blah blah blah. Oh, and I’m gonna
put my money on Martian Manhunter not really being dead. Surprise.
But what REALLY grinds my gears is this Arkham War rag. It seemed
like a sensible premise at the start. Arkham’s loonies are given Gotham to play
with when the Syndicate takes over and Bane doesn’t like that so he fights
back. Not bad, right? I’m all for Gotham without Batman and what madness
ensues, but this…this just got dumb. So the inmates are able to find a bunch of
dead Court of Owls Talon warriors, revive them and send them after Bane’s
forces. OK sure. Because Bane’s a badass and has a Talon friend, he is able to
take them all out. Not super realistic, but ok. It’s the last bit that pisses
me off.
There are basically two ways to defeat Bane in the comics.
You either cut the remarkably exposed tubes supplying the Venom that makes him superstring,
or you overcome your own moral dilemma and take some Venom yourself to even the
playing field. So what does Scarecrow (the de facto leader of the inmates) do?
He gases ALL his colleagues with Venom. So now we’ve got Venomed out versions
of everyone from Poison ivy to Mr. Freeze and Mad Hatter that are gonna TURN
THE TIDE!!!
Ooh! Monsters! Ooh! My favorite villains crossed with my
other favorite villain. This is BARELY a step up from turning the whole Justice
League into apes. I don’t even care who wins anymore. And, you know, neither
should you. Because nobody’s gonna. 6 months from now when this crossover
finally concludes. The Syndicate is gonna happen to second glance at Gotham and
be all ‘What the F are you guys doing?’ smack them all around and make them tow
the line and give up their silly, pointless war that I just bought 12 issues of
a limited series to find out about.
I guess that’s shame on me.
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