I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.
VARNEY THE VAMPIRE #1
I have now read the greatest line in a comic book TO DATE. Forget your ‘Face it Tiger You Just Hit The Jackpot’ and your ‘With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility’. Hack, lazy writing. But I’ll get back to that.
When I was handed a super secret, advance digital copy of
the first comic to come out from Mark Waid’s Thrillbent label I had to look
twice. Jim Varney, The Vampire? Ernest P. Worrell as an undead bloodsucker??
TAKE MY MONEY!
Then I looked again and realized that wasn’t the case. But
still. Jim Varney The Vampire. That is GOLD. Copyright Chad Wise 2014.
As anyone who read my first review could tell, I have a
thing for horror/ comedy books. I love Hack/Slash…love Hellboy…and that’s where
the well mostly runs dry. I don’t read The Goon, but mostly because he’s drawn
to look like my Uncle Bud (on accident I’m sure) and I can’t get past that BUT
THE POINT IS: There are scant few horror/ comedy books on the stands these
days. And varney the Vampire is a WELCOME addition.
What you have here is THE O.G. Vampire (do the kids still
say that? O.G.?) , the guy that Bram Stoker supposedly co-opted for Dracula who
is somehow still undead and kicking in present day. What you ALSO have here is
the vampire’s modern day descendent who happens to be a Hollywood screenwriter
of less than dubious credit (Zombie Cheerleaders 1-3). The vampire lures Simon
(Gruber is his last name and isn’t that Jeremy Irons’ character from Die Hard
With A Vengeance?) to his ancestral mansion under the ruse of an inheritance
when in actuality he wants to team up to get the REAL story out to the world
and reclaim the vampire’s legacy.
Now, what’s unique about this is the vampire himself. This
is not a sparkly teen heartthrob vampire with the cheekbones of Keira Knightley. This is
not the proper vampires of Anne Rice. This isn’t even the badass vampires of Blade
or From Dusk Til Dawn. No, imagine Danny DeVito at his crustiest, vilest,
grizzledest and simultaneously sharp-wittedest. Now bump him up to about 70 years
old (when he became a vampire) and since he didn’t have teeth when he turned, he
has to use fake fangs and you’ve got the title character.
Just a sleazy old man who happens to be the original
vampire. And his loser Great(?) Great(?) Nephew with a goal to achieve that will
no doubt involve lots of sexual innuendo (high five to the writer for getting a
Kirk Cameron reference on the same page as the words ‘Christian Nymphomaniac’),
comedy enough for the masses and the small portion of the masses that think
they need highbrow humor in their horror/ comedy books.
This is EASILY one of the most unique concepts I’ve read or
heard of. I enjoyed it immensely and will definitely buy the printed issue when
it comes out. I think you’ll dig it as well. There’s a kickstarter to get the
project made and G-Mart is hosting a launch party for it THIS SATURDAY the 15th. Then they are releasing the issue online as
well (I believe). Find a way to check it out.
And that greatest line? Simon’s vampire patriarch, as he’s
trying to convince Simon to work with him by pointing out their similarities:
“We’re two nuts in a sac---Destiny demands a Tea Bag!”
Genius.
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