I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.
TEEN TITANS #28
Okay, okay, here’s where I give Marvel a break and return my ire to where it truly belongs: DC Comics.
Let me see if I completely understand what’s going on in
this book: So Bart Allen, Kid Flash, is actually some kind of revolutionary
from the future. He traveled back to OUR time as some sort of witness
protection program or something. But the law of the future is still looking for
him there. I guess he was a leader in the organization, bad person, caused a
lot of trouble. Now, in about as loose a connection to Forever Evil as you can
get, the Crime Syndicate has thrown him (and all his teammates) back to the
future where he’s a wanted criminal and now he’s on the hook and standing trial
for his crimes.
So, as the way in comics, his team has been torn between
upholding the law of this new time they have found themselves in and helping
out their friend who they, of course, don’t believe is as bad as all that, all
evidence to the contrary. So they’ve been fighting with the locals, fighting
with each other, arguing with the version of Brainiac 5 that’s in charge
(because in these future scenarios you KNOW there’s a Brainiac 5 nearby). And
now they are stuck in the middle trying to keep the remaining revolutionaries,
excited by Bart’s return, from killing all the people in charge (The
Functionary).
Maybe I’m too old to be reading this book. It just seems so…trite.
“After all we’ve been through, as Titans, as friends, why
didn’t you tell us? We could have helped you!”
“You have to see him for who he is! Not who you desperately
want him to be!”
“In my head I understand she’s right. In my heart he’s still
that goofball who borrowed my shirt to be annoying”
Blergh. This is written worse than 90210. Both of them. Except for the episode about gun control in the first series, the one where David Silver's friend with the cowboy hat accidentally kills himself. That one is legendary television. I digress.
Then THEN We discover that the whole thing, the whole
leading the rebellion, Bart’s entire motivation is all about survivor’s guilt
from his parents and wanting to make them proud.
That’s it.
And it takes his sister showing up in a giant ass spaceship
threatening to blow up EVERY living thing in the vicinity, Rebellion and
Functionary (and Titans) just to end the rebellion.
“But what would our parents want??” “They’d want you to come
home” And hug and collapse.
Vomit.
Just clichéd and lazy writing. Then there’s the obligatory
ending scene where they all stand up for Bart’s judgment, he’s remanded to a
prison planet and his team shouts an uproar but Bart says no, don’t fight it.
Not because it’s the LAW that he just subjected himself to, but because his
jailers are time travelers and would only hunt them all down forever if they
were to bust him out. So the message here is ‘don’t break the law because it’ll
be a great big hassle for the rest of their lives’. Aces.
THEN in the first surprising moment of the book, the
Solstice character who is in love with Bart, was imprisoned with him way back
at the start refuses to be left behind without him and insists she go with him.
The magistrates say ‘Absurd, you have committed no crime”. SO SHE BLASTS HIM!
And then says ‘there’s my crime, take me away!’ This is pretty serious! They
are changing the game!
I’ll stick around for the next issue, mostly because the
series is over in a couple issues, but this thing just never seemed to click with
me. Again, I’m probably too old.
And who’s this damn Superboy that’s along for the ride? This
isn’t the regular Superboy! Get offa my lawn!
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