CHAD'S CHOICES- Episode 1 (Sex #13)

CHAD'S CHOICES
Where a mildly entertaining middle aged man reviews comics with a mature bent. NSFW, 'natch.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LIX (Forever Evil 7)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

FOREVER EVIL #7 & VARIOUS AFTERMATH BOOKS

Free at last, free at last, great god almighty, we are FREE AT LAST! The long national nightmare known as ‘Forever Evil’ is OVER. Thank freakin’ GOD. This thing was overwrought, overlong and its damn AFTERMATH issues hit the stands before its FINAL issue did!!! Jesus, DC, get it together!!! I wish there was a way to track how many subscribers jumped ship from DC after this mess. I have a feeling its more than a few.

Now that its done, there were some things I liked about it. The portrayal of the villains, Lex Luthor in particular, was one of them.  There was character development and now he’s actually, seemingly genuinely embracing his role as hero and one admired by the world.  But the resolution of this story was kind of unexciting. So Lex Luthor deduces that if Black Adam’s lightning can’t change crazy ass Earth 3 Luthor back into a normal man, then his voice surely can. That was pretty easy. What’s even more easy was that he sent Adam and Sinestro to MOVE THE MOON OUT FROM IN FRONT OF THE SUN. Ok, they’re powerful, sure, but that’s a little far beyond the acceptable ‘comic book realism’. It has its desired effect, though and Ultraman is weakened. All the heroes escape from the Firestorm Matrix (except, for some reason, Vibe and Element Woman. They keep referring back to it too. I don’t know where it’s going, nor do I care, but it would be just like DC to use this to redact a couple of characters that weren’t going anywhere.

Then the rest of the damn book was setting up stuff for the coming months! What the hell is the Anti-Monitor doing there? He’s the monster that destroyed Earth 3? We got some setup for Dick Grayson’s new spy series. Ted Kord shows up foreshadowing something Blue Beetle-esque I’m sure. Luthor’s kinda genuinely upset at the loss of his Bizarro monster and has his techs growing a replacement. Superwoman is carrying Earth 3 Luthor’s baby and it’s been prophesized to be really bad. And we find out that Lex Luthor has deduced Batman’s identity. Which, anyone in the world should have after Grayson’s unmasking, but for now I guess only Lex cracked it.

I did like the immediate aftermath Justice League issue though. Luthor, on a high from being a hero, tries to weasel his way into the League through ego and gifts. He tells the current roster that the world isn’t as trusting of them after the recent events, that there’s a big bad coming and they need him to help stop it, and he offers them a new satellite and a new member in Shazam. Superman unsurprisingly kicks him out, while the rest of the team isn’t so sure he should be dismissed outright. But THEN Luthor shows up at Wayne Manor asking for ‘Batman’ so you know he’s going to work some coercion into his campaign for membership.  

I like when these crossovers actually change the status quo and shake things up. It appears to be happening here, so I’m cautiously optimistic. And I’m excited to see what happens with Power Ring’s ring and its new bearer.

Don’t get me started on that Aftermath Batman vs Bane one shot (that came out WEEKS before Forever Evil 7). They could have published a one page book that read ‘Batman kicks Bane’s ass and takes back his city. The end.’

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LVIII (Original Sin #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

ORIGINAL SIN #1

Holy Crap there is a lot going on in this book!

If you look back at my review of issue zero, you’ll see that that book annoyed the crap out of me. In semi-real and mostly petty ways (as most of my annoyances tend to be). This book, though…this book gives me hope. And I haven’t had a lot of hope in my life lately. At least where mega crossover events are concerned. Come on, Jason Aaron, be my hero.

So The Watcher gets shot in the opening pages of the book (inciting incident for all you literary nerds out there) and we cut to a diner in the middle of nowhere where Captain America, Wolverine, Black Widow and Nick Fury Sr. are having what they call ‘meat night’. Apparently these old friends and colleagues still get together on a regular basis to share a meal and commiserate. The scene is genuine and real and shows me that Aaron can do the quiet, character moments well. 

Cap gets a call from Thor and they are off to the moon to investigate the scene of the crime, bringing a retired Fury along for the ride. Once there, they discover that things are way worse than anticipated. See, we learned in the zero issue that The Watcher has been storing a bunch of super weaponry in his base on the moon (including the Ultimate Nullifier that scared off Galactus way back when). Well, a bunch of those dangerous weapons are now missing. As are The Watcher’s eyes. Gross and I have the feeling is gonna turn out to be way worse than the missing weapons. I mean, he’s seen everything with those eyes, right?

And kudos to Marvel for an awesomely creepy tie in product:

So Nick Fury takes point on the investigation, while a mysterious figure recruits a ragtag team of heroes including Black Panther, Emma Frost, Ant Man, Winter Soldier, Moon Knight, Gamorra, Doctor Strange and The Punisher to investigate different aspects of this crime…I think…it was kinda vague, but in an interesting, ‘all will be revealed’ way. This person teams them up and then sends them off in different directions. I hope this doesn’t mean crossover books. But you know I’ll buy them all because I’m a sucker.

Black Widow finds a glowing green fragment of something she thinks is the bullet that killed Uatu, and before they can talk to Bruce banner, Cap and Fury have to head back to earth because the Thing and Spidey are fighting a ‘Mindless One’ who suddenly has a mind and some telepathic powers and is also wielding the Ultimate Nullifier! The MO is all upset because it has thoughts now due to something it did on the moon and then uses the Nullifier to blow its brains out. 

Meanwhile, in a warehouse somewhere, a bunch of other Mindless Ones are developing individuality, as are their bosses, cloaked in shadow, and clearly the ones who took The Watcher’s eyes and weapons. But they are being changed by their stolen items…

I’m not sure where this is going and that’s OK. I’m always down for an old fashioned murder mystery and that’s what this seems like at its core. So I’m giving it a chance. We’ll see if I want to rip my own eyes out by the time its over.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LVII (FCBD: Transformers VS GIJOE #0)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

FCBD: TRANSFORMERS VS GIJOE #0

What in the ever-loving, bloody, blue hell is this piece of horseshit?

OK, hold on, let me back up a minute.

Yes, I realize Free Comic Book Day was a week ago. Yes, I realize there are other, more ‘important’ FCBD books I could have reviewed. But this is, to date, the ONLY FCBD book I have in my possession. The story goes as follows: My four year old son, Logan (named, indeed, after Wolverine), lives in Iowa with his mother. The weekend of FCBD was a weekend I got to spend with him in Iowa. My son has not…embraced a love of comic books yet (I blame his mother). And it was a beautiful weekend outside so he wanted to play in the various parks that the Metro Davenport area had to offer. In transit between two of these parks I was able to coerce him into stopping into a baseball card shop with a couple racks of comics that was ‘participating’ in FCBD (basically the sneering shopkeep eyeballing you on the way out making sure you didn’t snatch and of the not free comics). But it was around 2 PM and all the good stuff had been raided. Logan picked out a Spongebob Squarepants comic and I grabbed the only remaining somewhat appealing choice…this. I didn’t read it until TODAY because Pat Loboyko at G-Mart mentioned that he wanted to read my copy when I was in on Wednesday for my new books. Now, I like Pat, but not enough to run home and read this book any faster than three days later.

So here we are.

I’m probably alienating ¾ of the 8 people that read this column on a regular basis but this book looks like one giant Hostess Fruit Pie comic.  (Long ago, kids, the Hostess snack company used to take out full page ads in our favorite comics. They would craft a one page comic having a recognizable hero like Spider man or Captain America defeating a villain who was A, trying to steal Fruit Pies or some other Hostess product or B, the hero would use the snack product to trap, distract or otherwise incapacitate said villain. They were not very well done and mostly trite and hokey). This book is…I don’t even know what to say. The art is at once simplistic and overdrawn (don’t know how they managed that) and the pages look washed out and old. I’m sure its intentional, but I sure don’t understand the intention.

Now let’s talk about the story. I haven’t been following the GIJOE or the Transformers books at IDW at all. So I don’t know where this radical change to accepted lore is coming from but it kinda pisses me off. Duke is a rookie, Snake eyes has yet to be disfigured and still can speak and is in some sort of love competition triangle with Duke for Scarlett’s affection.  Bumblebee and Starscream are landing on earth for the first time I think in this issue. There’s all these crazy creeper vine bombs that Cobra is developing/ using. Dr. Venom is there, but so is The Baroness. I don’t know. I’m so confused.

If you’re a big fan of these properties and like to see them shaken up, then get on board this series when it starts in earnest in July. Me? All I know is I’m annoyed. And knowing is half the battle.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LVI (Avengers #28)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

AVENGERS #28

This may be the most exciting comic of all time (that spends most of it's 22 pages with two men talking across a conference table).

I'm just gonna come right out and say that I am not a huge fan if what's been going on in the Avengers books lately. There have been some fun beats and some nice moments along the way but this whole multiversal collapse storyline has just left me kind of bored. I get that it's sweeping and epic and just the kind of threat the Avengers were created to battle in the first place. But I'm just not connecting with it. The more earths/ universes that are destroyed, the less I care about the next one. Just makes me tune out.

But this issue, while still dealing with the same overall story, calls back in a big way to a storyline from many years ago that I loved. We learn here that Banner is mostly crazy and crazy like a fox. AIM had brought a team of 'Evil Avengers' over from another universe, including their (essentially lobotomized) Hulk. Banner caught up with his counterpart, incapacitated him and took his place to see what was going on. He learned from the bigwigs at AIM that the multiverse was collapsing and that earth was at the center. Hulk trashed the AIM base and went to confront Tony Stark. This is how we ended up at the aforementioned conference table.

After bringing Tony up to speed on his busy busy day (and making Stark anxious by bringing a mysterious, unopened briefcase to the meeting, Banner asks his teammate and friend if he's brought the Illuminati back together.

See, several years ago all the big shot team leaders of the Marvel Universe created their own secret cabal to guide the course of the world (with only the best intentions, of course). One of the first things the group of Reed Richards, Professor X, Black Bolt, Namor, etc, did was decide the Hulk was too dangerous to remain on earth. So they drugged him and shot him into space to live out his days on an uninhibited planet. Of course the rocket went off course and landed on a gladiatorial planet that set the stage for the 'Planet Hulk' and 'World War Hulk' storylines. Needless to say Banner was pissed when he got back to earth and told Stark, in no uncertain terms, to disband his group forever.

Surprise! He didn't.

The briefcase was full of tranquilizers to keep Banner from Hulking out whole they talked. This issue ended with the alt universe Banner being taken away by SHIELD to be thrown in a deep dark hole. And our Banner being welcomed as the newest member of the reformed Illuminati.

That, I'm sure, will also end well.

But I love that they finally got around to doing this with Banner. It was well done and a surprise and tension filled and made me feel anxious while reading it. This surely will provide for some fun conversations between Banner and his fellow heroes that shot him into space.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LV (24: Underground #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

24: UNDERGROUND #1

Jack Bauer is one of the greatest modern American heroes to have been created in the last 20 years. He has led the hero's journey to end all hero's journeys. From his very first terrible 'day' where he lost his wife to the downward spirals his life has taken along the way and the brief moments of happiness he's experienced only to have them ripped away from him, he's taken it all and still fights for what's right.

I think I will review this comic in real time.

07:34:00 PM
The weird Eastern European dude in line at G-mart ahead of me looking for a comic that isn't out yet and taking way too long to do it finally wanders off. I am now able to harass Pat Loboyko freely while trying not to step on any loose 12 sided dice (it is Game Night). I retrieve my comics, discover that Ryvre wants me to review this 24 comic and head for home.

07:48:00 PM
I arrive at home and clean up the mess the kitten has made (his name is Carlos. He is an asshole). I do the OCD thing I do every week and organize my comics in the order I want to read them. Original Sin #0 gets the top spot. See my other review for how that turned out.

09:55:00 PM
The leftover Chinese food I had for lunch makes it's way to the out door so I grab the latest adventure of Jack Bauer and head for the can.

09:56:04 PM
Carlos butts his way into the bathroom with me and I forcibly eject him. No, he is not named after Carlos Bernard who played Tony Almeida on the old 24 series. My son Logan named him when he thought he was a she. Long story. Yes my son is named after Wolverine.

09:59:36 PM
I have now learned that Jack Bauer has been hiding out in the Ukraine, minding his own business, working a construction job. He's been there for awhile because he's living with the sister of the boss and knows plenty about the family and the screwup brother whose dealings with the Russian Mafia that start the action of this story. Brother owes money, doesn't pay up, is killed, his debt shifts to the respectable brother who happens to have one of the most dangerous men in the world pouring concrete for him. The respectable brother is threatened into stealing a shipment of dangerous chemicals, Jack helps and is stabbed by the truck driver in the process. At the rendezvous with the mob, Jack is recognized by someone from his past (who I should recognize but escapes me). Oh, and the CIA monitoring Odessa, gets video footage of the truck hijacking and of Jack at the wheel and goes into red alert, swearing to bring him in!

10:14:27 PM
While washing my hands I pause to appreciate how well done this issue is. Jack looks like Kiefer and....he's about the only familiar face besides this Russian I can't place. But it FEELS like 24. Kind of like an episode, the same flavor and stakes and such, the same world. But it is adapted well to the printed page.

10:17:38 PM
I change the ringer on my phone back to the CTU ringer, log into my G-Mart account and add this title to my subscriptions and sit down to write this review....

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LIV (Original Sin #0)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

ORIGINAL SIN #0

I keep getting suckered in. Like, no matter how many events or crossovers I get excited about, buy into wholeheartedly and then move to the top of my read pile every month, I am invariably disappointed in the outcome. Yeah, yeah, I know, this is only the zero issue and made for background information and setup for the main story but I'm kinda bored and not a little annoyed already.

This whole crossover is supposed to be about somebody killing Uatu The Watcher. He's the big bald guy that's always around at cosmic level turning points in the Marvel Universe. Always silently watching, never interfering, that's his gig. He's got a remote base on the moon from which he observes just about everything. Thing is, nobody ever bothered to ask him why he does what he does. So that's just what Sam Alexander, the new Nova, does.

Here, let me pause and address this Nova for a minute. I've always been aware of the character but never really followed him. I'm aware that the Nova Corps is essentially Marvel's answer to the Green Lantern Corps, an organization of space-faring aliens policing the galaxy. My only real exposure has been on the Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon that I have been watching on Netflix. This show features the young, brash hothead Nova we see here in this comic. And he's equally as annoying there as here. I mean all the characters on that show are pretty annoying so I shouldn't single out Nova alone, but I'm doing it anyway. Here in this comic we have the same young, newly Nova-fied Sam who's got more baggage than the TV version but is still pretty geeked out when the Avengers show up (though why Cap, Thor and Iron Man show up to investigate some random Incan god who showed up to terrorize some oil fields in New Mexico is beyond me). But Sam is pretty jazzed that he defeated the rampaging god-slash-rival oil company robot and stumps the big three avengers by asking about Uatu and his dealio.

So Sam goes to the moon because, well, he can, and confronts the Watcher himself. Uatu, being pretty tight lipped, doesn't say much. He shows Sam a video/memory of his people and how they violated the Prime Directive with good intentions  by bringing nuclear energy to a pre-industrialized planet, launching the indigenous people light years ahead of evolution. Surprise! This ended badly! Ten years later Uatu's people swing back around to this side of the 'verse and find the initial planet destroyed, it's people having abused their gifts to wage war on each other. Realizing his mistake, Uatu's dad swears them all to observance but non-interference for the rest of time. Sam, having his own daddy issues, can relate. They have a bro-ment and Uatu breaks his vow just a little bit and let's Sam know his dad is still alive. The end.

Okaaaaaay. Soooooo what do we know now that we didn't know before? We know that the Watcher watches EVERYTHING. Not just the regular universe but infinite possibilities. This is not very surprising or out of the realm of possibility. We know he keeps an arsenal of deadly weapons from across the galaxy INCLUDING The Ultimate Nullifier (which is the only item that Sam and I both recognize). Again, possible, makes sense he would pick up the dangerous toys left behind at the battles he watches. We learned some really trite and hackneyed origin story for Uatu that is entirely played out in just about every corner of the sci-fi universe. Not a damn thing surprising there, although I'm sure that the fact that his father's decision plays out the same in every universe and variation will have something to do with he overall story.

But really? Well? That's about it. I really hope this crossover turns into something spectacular. I could use a refill of my 'faith in crossovers' tank. But I'm not holding my breath. Though I will, I guess, keep watching.