I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.
FCBD: TRANSFORMERS VS GIJOE #0
What in the ever-loving, bloody, blue hell is this piece of horseshit?
OK, hold on, let me back up a minute.
Yes, I realize Free Comic Book Day was a week ago. Yes, I
realize there are other, more ‘important’ FCBD books I could have reviewed. But
this is, to date, the ONLY FCBD book I have in my possession. The story goes as
follows: My four year old son, Logan (named, indeed, after Wolverine), lives in
Iowa with his mother. The weekend of FCBD was a weekend I got to spend with him
in Iowa. My son has not…embraced a love of comic books yet (I blame his mother).
And it was a beautiful weekend outside so he wanted to play in the various
parks that the Metro Davenport area had to offer. In transit between two of
these parks I was able to coerce him into stopping into a baseball card shop
with a couple racks of comics that was ‘participating’ in FCBD (basically the
sneering shopkeep eyeballing you on the way out making sure you didn’t snatch
and of the not free comics). But it was around 2 PM and all the good stuff had
been raided. Logan picked out a Spongebob Squarepants comic and I grabbed the
only remaining somewhat appealing choice…this. I didn’t read it until TODAY
because Pat Loboyko at G-Mart mentioned that he wanted to read my copy when I
was in on Wednesday for my new books. Now, I like Pat, but not enough to run
home and read this book any faster than three days later.
So here we are.
I’m probably alienating ¾ of the 8 people that read this
column on a regular basis but this book looks like one giant Hostess Fruit Pie
comic. (Long ago, kids, the Hostess snack
company used to take out full page ads in our favorite comics. They would craft
a one page comic having a recognizable hero like Spider man or Captain America
defeating a villain who was A, trying to steal Fruit Pies or some other Hostess
product or B, the hero would use the snack product to trap, distract or
otherwise incapacitate said villain. They were not very well done and mostly
trite and hokey). This book is…I don’t even know what to say. The art is at
once simplistic and overdrawn (don’t know how they managed that) and the pages
look washed out and old. I’m sure its intentional, but I sure don’t understand
the intention.
Now let’s talk about the story. I haven’t been following the
GIJOE or the Transformers books at IDW at all. So I don’t know where this
radical change to accepted lore is coming from but it kinda pisses me off. Duke
is a rookie, Snake eyes has yet to be disfigured and still can speak and is in
some sort of love competition triangle with Duke for Scarlett’s affection. Bumblebee and Starscream are landing on earth
for the first time I think in this issue. There’s all these crazy creeper vine
bombs that Cobra is developing/ using. Dr. Venom is there, but so is The
Baroness. I don’t know. I’m so confused.
If you’re a big fan of these properties and like to see them
shaken up, then get on board this series when it starts in earnest in July. Me?
All I know is I’m annoyed. And knowing is half the battle.
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