COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LV (24: Underground #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

24: UNDERGROUND #1

Jack Bauer is one of the greatest modern American heroes to have been created in the last 20 years. He has led the hero's journey to end all hero's journeys. From his very first terrible 'day' where he lost his wife to the downward spirals his life has taken along the way and the brief moments of happiness he's experienced only to have them ripped away from him, he's taken it all and still fights for what's right.

I think I will review this comic in real time.

07:34:00 PM
The weird Eastern European dude in line at G-mart ahead of me looking for a comic that isn't out yet and taking way too long to do it finally wanders off. I am now able to harass Pat Loboyko freely while trying not to step on any loose 12 sided dice (it is Game Night). I retrieve my comics, discover that Ryvre wants me to review this 24 comic and head for home.

07:48:00 PM
I arrive at home and clean up the mess the kitten has made (his name is Carlos. He is an asshole). I do the OCD thing I do every week and organize my comics in the order I want to read them. Original Sin #0 gets the top spot. See my other review for how that turned out.

09:55:00 PM
The leftover Chinese food I had for lunch makes it's way to the out door so I grab the latest adventure of Jack Bauer and head for the can.

09:56:04 PM
Carlos butts his way into the bathroom with me and I forcibly eject him. No, he is not named after Carlos Bernard who played Tony Almeida on the old 24 series. My son Logan named him when he thought he was a she. Long story. Yes my son is named after Wolverine.

09:59:36 PM
I have now learned that Jack Bauer has been hiding out in the Ukraine, minding his own business, working a construction job. He's been there for awhile because he's living with the sister of the boss and knows plenty about the family and the screwup brother whose dealings with the Russian Mafia that start the action of this story. Brother owes money, doesn't pay up, is killed, his debt shifts to the respectable brother who happens to have one of the most dangerous men in the world pouring concrete for him. The respectable brother is threatened into stealing a shipment of dangerous chemicals, Jack helps and is stabbed by the truck driver in the process. At the rendezvous with the mob, Jack is recognized by someone from his past (who I should recognize but escapes me). Oh, and the CIA monitoring Odessa, gets video footage of the truck hijacking and of Jack at the wheel and goes into red alert, swearing to bring him in!

10:14:27 PM
While washing my hands I pause to appreciate how well done this issue is. Jack looks like Kiefer and....he's about the only familiar face besides this Russian I can't place. But it FEELS like 24. Kind of like an episode, the same flavor and stakes and such, the same world. But it is adapted well to the printed page.

10:17:38 PM
I change the ringer on my phone back to the CTU ringer, log into my G-Mart account and add this title to my subscriptions and sit down to write this review....

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LIV (Original Sin #0)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

ORIGINAL SIN #0

I keep getting suckered in. Like, no matter how many events or crossovers I get excited about, buy into wholeheartedly and then move to the top of my read pile every month, I am invariably disappointed in the outcome. Yeah, yeah, I know, this is only the zero issue and made for background information and setup for the main story but I'm kinda bored and not a little annoyed already.

This whole crossover is supposed to be about somebody killing Uatu The Watcher. He's the big bald guy that's always around at cosmic level turning points in the Marvel Universe. Always silently watching, never interfering, that's his gig. He's got a remote base on the moon from which he observes just about everything. Thing is, nobody ever bothered to ask him why he does what he does. So that's just what Sam Alexander, the new Nova, does.

Here, let me pause and address this Nova for a minute. I've always been aware of the character but never really followed him. I'm aware that the Nova Corps is essentially Marvel's answer to the Green Lantern Corps, an organization of space-faring aliens policing the galaxy. My only real exposure has been on the Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon that I have been watching on Netflix. This show features the young, brash hothead Nova we see here in this comic. And he's equally as annoying there as here. I mean all the characters on that show are pretty annoying so I shouldn't single out Nova alone, but I'm doing it anyway. Here in this comic we have the same young, newly Nova-fied Sam who's got more baggage than the TV version but is still pretty geeked out when the Avengers show up (though why Cap, Thor and Iron Man show up to investigate some random Incan god who showed up to terrorize some oil fields in New Mexico is beyond me). But Sam is pretty jazzed that he defeated the rampaging god-slash-rival oil company robot and stumps the big three avengers by asking about Uatu and his dealio.

So Sam goes to the moon because, well, he can, and confronts the Watcher himself. Uatu, being pretty tight lipped, doesn't say much. He shows Sam a video/memory of his people and how they violated the Prime Directive with good intentions  by bringing nuclear energy to a pre-industrialized planet, launching the indigenous people light years ahead of evolution. Surprise! This ended badly! Ten years later Uatu's people swing back around to this side of the 'verse and find the initial planet destroyed, it's people having abused their gifts to wage war on each other. Realizing his mistake, Uatu's dad swears them all to observance but non-interference for the rest of time. Sam, having his own daddy issues, can relate. They have a bro-ment and Uatu breaks his vow just a little bit and let's Sam know his dad is still alive. The end.

Okaaaaaay. Soooooo what do we know now that we didn't know before? We know that the Watcher watches EVERYTHING. Not just the regular universe but infinite possibilities. This is not very surprising or out of the realm of possibility. We know he keeps an arsenal of deadly weapons from across the galaxy INCLUDING The Ultimate Nullifier (which is the only item that Sam and I both recognize). Again, possible, makes sense he would pick up the dangerous toys left behind at the battles he watches. We learned some really trite and hackneyed origin story for Uatu that is entirely played out in just about every corner of the sci-fi universe. Not a damn thing surprising there, although I'm sure that the fact that his father's decision plays out the same in every universe and variation will have something to do with he overall story.

But really? Well? That's about it. I really hope this crossover turns into something spectacular. I could use a refill of my 'faith in crossovers' tank. But I'm not holding my breath. Though I will, I guess, keep watching.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LIII (Batman #30)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

BATMAN #30

There is definitely a plus to reading so many comic books (correction: so many unmemorable comic books) that you cannot keep track of what's going on in most of them. When an issue like this one opens up with the main character awaking from a long bout of unconsciousness to find his whole world changed beyond belief and nigh unrecognizable...you can sympathize.

I don't get DC comics. I really don't. Marvel provides an incredibly useful service in its recap page. It gives you the overall intention and story behind the book itself as well as a primer on what just happened so you can dive right into the new issue with you mind jogged and up to speed. If anything it makes me want to read MORE Marvel Comics since I enjoy them more fully. DC not so much. Are their stories that densely packed with subtlety and nuance that they can't spare one page to remind the reader of what came before? I mean, there are, like 18 regular batman titles! How am I supposed to reconcile the Man-Bats in one, Professor Pyg in another, and now past tense Riddler in this one? I suppose there's probably a recap on DCs website, but I'm reading a comic!!! I don't want to have to hunt down things! Gah!

So let’s talk about this Zero Year business. That’s what’s been going on in this title and probably why I haven’t reviewed it yet. Zero Year has been one of the scant few passable storylines to come out of The Great Failed Forever Evil Experiment of 2013/14. Designed to cover up the time Forever Evil was happening and tell a new, yet important story from Batman’s past, it has done a passable job of both. We have seen essentially the first year of Bruce Wayne’s career as a vigilante and the trouble and disasters Gotham was plagued with at the same time. There was a flood, I believe, from a megastorm of some kind. The power went out. There might have been sharks. I’m not sure. Again, read the above paragraphs. The burgeoning relationship with Jim Gordon feels natural and good. Supposedly this is the ‘Final Act’ of the Zero year story (or so the cover touts) but I’m concerned this last bit may sour the whole story.

Somehow The Riddler has taken over the city. Like wholly and completely taken over. They don’t come right out and say how long it’s been since the last issue, but it feels like a LONG time. People are kind of resigned to their new fate and status quo. There are long ratty beards as apparently The Riddler has banned shaving utensils. There is talk of people ‘fighting back at the beginning’. It’s really pretty frustrating because we are supposed to believe that Bruce Wayne, after tossing his tore up Batsuit, collapses and is found by some preteen kid and nursed back to health layin g on the kids floor on a ratty mattress. And there’s some sort of IV happening too. And the kid shaved his face for him while he was in his semi-coma. This doesn’t hold water.

Anyway, Gordon is still on the streets trying to mount a resistance. He gets some tactical type people who parachute into Gotham only to roll over when confronted by the Riddler. Meantime Bruce has his strength back even though he’s been near comatose for a couple months and sneaks out to fight back. He reclaims his tossed off cowl and cape, cobbles together something of a ghetto outfit and rescues Gordon and the tactical squad. Setting up a couple more issues of righteously taking back his city. It should, at least, have a few fun badass moments.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LII (X-Files Annual #1)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

X-FILES ANNUAL #1

Man, this Annual had PROMISE. I have been loving the regular series from IDW, I mean LOVING it. They have been running a storyline that revisits old, familiar cases but in a remarkably smart way. The characterizations are spot on and the art has been realistic and dark with mostly accurate renditions of the actors themselves. The cover of this annual is spectacular! All black and white with a moody image of Mulder & Scully looking through some window blinds with and awesome Exorcist homage of a priest in a foggy courtyard. All good indications that this book would continue delivering the goods. This Annual, though, goes way off the rails.

The first thing you notice when you get past the stunning cover is that the art on the inside is...wrong. It's just ridiculous and messy. And the faces...THE FACES. They look (Scully especially) and without any exaggeration, like caricatures and I don't mean caricatures in the broad sense, I mean LITERALLY the kind of caricatures you see guys making at street festivals and carnivals. Yeah. It's BAD. Look, I can appreciate the need for different artistic styles and to change it up every now and then. I can. But I have a strong opinion when it comes to comics based on properties where there are certain actors exclusively associated with the characters. You gotta make them look like the actors. Period. Don't even try to give me the 'my drawings represent the spirit of the actors' bullshit. If you can't draw an accurate and consistent David Duchovny face, you are the wrong person to be drawing an X-Files comic.

Maybe the art took me too far out of it but damn if the story isn't dumb too. Some guy is killed while on his cell phone with his wife and his spirit/ soul/ consciousness is somehow bonded to the phone. So he can call his wife through the busted phone to warn her about the shady ex business partners of his that will be coming to kill her. Meanwhile the priest from the cover is actually a spirit as well whose job is to protect the knowledge of the existence of the afterlife from those on the mortal plane. Yeah. So Mulder & Scully show up and he believes while she's skeptical, blah blah blah. Ultimately Scully kills the shady business partner and therefore the ghost guy has no reason to stay on the mortal plane and floats off to his reward. Not a bad episode, but pretty boring and formulaic.

The second story in this annual is a little more entertaining and quirky. It's just Scully talking to a gross disembodied hand for eleven pages. It's supposed to be the hand of her high school sweetheart who never stopped loving her and who she never stopped loving either. She and he hand have this imaginary discussion every night while she's sleeping, but tomorrow the ex-boyfriend will meet the woman that makes him forget about Scully so it's down to this: she either wakes up and calls him, leaves the FBI and they live happily ever after, or she doesn't and he meets the new girl. Again, kinda quirky, the art's better, but still. Most Annuals are dumping grounds for stories that didn't quite for into the regular run. This one is NO exception.

I say skip it and save your money.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode LI (Justice League #29)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

JUSTICE LEAGUE #29

Thank GOD!!! It's been over a half a year in the making but it's finally happened! This book features my favorite panel of any comic, DC or Marvel, to come out in recent memory. More than the boobs in any of the Image comics I read/ review. It's the final panel on the final page of the book. I could tell you what's going on in the panel, but it doesn't matter. It could be a blank white panel and still be my favorite. It's the few words overlaid on the page that sets this apart from the millions of other panels I have looked at this year one. Seven words.

'To Be Concluded In Forever Evil #7'

This gorram crossover will never end. It is LITERALLY lasting forever. Not only is this damn story still going on but it feels like all the other regular books are just spinning wheels until they can actually react to the post-Forever Evil DCU landscape.  Ugh. So frustrating. I hope DC is getting a lot of flak for this debacle from more well respected and less gamey critics than yours truly. Only then will they learn a lesson and deliver better work. Only then.

The story itself is not bad if you're a fan of Cyborg these last couple issues have been like Christmas for you. Here we see his final showdown with The Grid, the artificial intelligence from the Crime Syndicate world currently occupying his old cybernetic parts. At the outset of this event, the intelligence took over and forcibly ejected Victor Stone's human parts, and then took control of the world's communications systems. In this issue, Vic gets some payback. In the past, Vic had always rejected his cyborg half, feeling like he didn't fit in either world and being real angsty about it along the way. Here, in order to defeat the Grid, he fully embraces and integrates himself as a complete being and proceeds to whup the Grid's ass all over cyberspace.

With the help of The Metal Men. In the last issue we saw him convincing  Dr Magnus to re activate his team and here they are revived and ready to save the day.

Side note: the cover of this damn issue shows what one would believe to be the Metal Men wrapping up the Justice League in their protective bodies like a layer of armor and fighting the Grid. Yeah, that never actually happens in this book. The JL is still trapped in Firestorm. So that's false advertising on top of your other transgressions DC.

So the Grid is defeated on the cyber plane and all the worlds communications start to come back online. Mission accomplished. Then Steve Trevor shows up with Wonder Woman's lasso telling Cyborg that if he can get him to Firestorm, he can use the lasso, Martian Manhunter and his special sex bond with Diana to break the JL out. Of course he's then blasted by a whole bunch of Secret Society members. But Cyborg's got a new mission now and he's gonna accomplish it!

So yeah. Next issue should be some post Forever Evil stuff. Can't get here fast enough.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXX (Batgirl #30)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

BATGIRL #30

DC Comics you are PISSING ME OFF!

It isn’t bad enough that your first big ‘New 52’, universe shaking crossover is taking over half a year to complete, is overlong and overwrought and fraught with unnecessary tie ins and not-exactly-tie-ins. It’s not bad enough that all the books with characters involved in this big crossover have just been kind of meandering along, killing time until the Big Event catches up. Now, NOW, we’re nearing the end of the damn thing and you’re getting confused on who knows what and when. Case in point: Batgirl #30.

This issue is one big personal, internal journey for our dear Barbara Gordon. She spends a great deal of time thinking about her place in the ‘Bat Family’. About how she was different from the ‘Robins’, how she had her own set of wings, etc., etc. That’s all well and good. Happens all the time to just about every hero out there. But this time there are spoilers. 

***SPOILERS***

In remembering the Robins, she focuses on the one she was closest to, Dick Grayson. They were more than teammates, more than friends.  But in this touching look back, much of her chastising of herself is for forgetting that Dick is gone. It’s repeated, ad nauseum. Now, in the last issue of Forever Evil, we see Dick’s heart stop. But that’s the last we see. Of course we don’t know if he’s coming out of it or not. We assume he is because he’s Dick Grayson. But according to batgirl #30 that’s premature. As far as she knows, Dick is gone, never coming back.

But in the words of the late, great character actor James Rebhorn from ‘Independence Day’: “That’s…not…entirely…accurate”

I, like many of you, read the comic news. So I, like many of you, know that Dick Grayson DOES indeed survive Forever Evil somehow and is now part of some secret spy agency organized through Batman Inc. But Nightwing is dead, and the world must continue to think he’s dead for Dick’s mission to be most effective. He’s got a new series and everything. Will it work? Should it? Is it too much of a direct rip off from what’s going on with the Winter Soldier over at The House of Ideas right now? Those are questions to be answered in another review.

I should probably talk about what’s happening in the book, huh? OK, so some high school kids are playing the local ‘summon the boogeyman’ game (though how stupid do you have to be to tempt fate like that in Gotham of all places?) and surprise, surprise, they summon a boogeyman. Also known as the Midnight Man, who is some sort of oozey shapeshifting mimic creature that batgirl is able to defeat (for now). They’re building up her Rogues Gallery ok in recent issue, but time will tell how repeat encounters hold up.

COMICS IN THE CAN- Episode XXXXIX (Mighty Avengers #9)

COMICS IN THE CAN
I used to have time to read my comics in a coffee shop. Now I have to read them in the bathroom. Then I write reviews of them. I wash my hands in between.

MIGHTY AVENGERS #9

And just as excited as I am about Secret Avengers, I have become equivalently nonplussed about It's Mighty counterpart

Don't get me wrong, I want to like this book. I like the concept of Luke Cage taking it back to street level and putting an Avengers team on the ground where they can so some real good. I like it a lot, in fact. But for the last couple issues, this book has lost sight of that. I gotta believe that the intention behind this book is to appeal to a more urban reader, a young African American or Latino who is used to not seeing him or herself reflected in the pages of mainstream comics too often now has a team full of people to identify with. Great, right?

Yeah. But that's not what's happening here.

We have found ourselves in a storyline that focuses almost entirely on The Blue Marvel. Some of you may be asking "who the hell is the Blue Marvel?" And I really wish I had a good answer for you. Near as I can figure it, this guy, an African American scientist with superpowers, was retconned into the Marvel Universe in a fashion similar to The Sentry before him (this guy seems to be less destructive and polarizing than old Bob Reynolds but who knows). According to this issue, the Marvel Universe and it's kickoff Galactus event happens some time after the dawn of the new century. In that timeline this guy had been a hero since before 1970. So let me get this straight: you've spent two issues of your urban youth appealing Avengers book dealing with an old, rich, black scientist trying to stop one of his estranged scientist sons from opening a portal into another universe and bringing back his other estranged son...on a remote island with a volcano?

That sound you heard was every teenager on my block dropping their game controller and cell phone and running to the comic shop.

The other notable development in this issue is that we finally learn who is under the Ronin (formerly Spider Hero) costume. I had already spoiled myself online so it wasn't a great revelation to me. And anyone with half a brain probably figured it out a few issues ago. Hell, I may even have revealed it in a previous review of this book and it was so not a big deal I forgot about it.

It's Blade. Surprise! Were you surprised? No, I didn’t think so.

The only real exciting this to come out of this issue was the concept of ‘Ninja Were-Snakes’. Yes, Ninja Were-Snakes. Humanoid snakes with Ninja abilities. I know! How awesome is that? I hope they stay around. Or let’s just put a team together consisting of were animals that have ninja skills. I’d buy that book. And I bet my hypothetical urban kid would buy it too. Or at least loiter in the store and read it. Which is kind of the same thing.